Gut

Trying not to overthink...but gut feel tells me I did something. How wouldnt I think of that when the change in mood happened when we were in the cab? When he wouldnt reply to texts? Then he shrugged my arm off, cold when I hugged him. What did I do wrong? The only thing I did wrong was the same thing I regret doing.

I wouldnt be like this if not for yday. I normally would just shrug it off as another bad day. But..this is different.

I dont wanna overthink. If I did something wrong I have to know. But I wont force the issue. Maybe someday I'd know.  :-( 

Caramoan: 1st Day

1st day of vacay and it's raining. Cooped up inside the room, sleeping then watching TV. Lunch by the beach isnt so bad. Food's nice, had 1 and a half rice. I think am gonna gain weight here. No signal for Globe and Smart has intermittent signal.

Now am wide awake and watching AI 13. Missing LG. Wish he was here so he could see what am seeing too. Bed weather aint helping. I hope he's asleep right now and not thinking of stuff.  I wanna bring him here...maybe I can someday. Because I will definitely come back and bring my one true love. :-)

Hope the sun comes out tomorrow. Wanna go island hopping and lay by the beach.

Today is Vday. Bah!

There's a reason I chose to live my life the way it is right now...making work a priority.  I refuse to allow myself to feel the emptiness inside.  And I prepared myself for this day.  Or so I thought.  I find myself wishing for more than what I can have...having doubts..and I hate it.  I should be contented already. Thought about this several times and convinced myself that things are better this way, that he's right in refusing to entertain the thought that we'd be happy with each other.  That he doesn't love me the way I love him...that he only sees me as a dear friend.

Now am feeling sad once again...missing him and wishing he was here so I could hug him tight.  And my thoughts are all about him once again. I don't like this. Gotta get over this.

I blame the love crazy people making this day overrated.  Bitter as it may sound but I'm entitled to my own opinion/feelings/emotions/rants. This is my blog anyway. :)

Letting Go

No..not letting go because I dont love LG anymore. Letting go of all the fears, apprehensions...stuff I cant control. I can only control what I feel, not what he feels and what he does. I need to accept whatever decisions he would make in life. I can only be there to listen, to give my opinion. But at the end of day it's his choice. I also need to let go of my fears...that he'd find someone new once again and I'll be pushed aside again. It's hard... it hurt so much when he did it the last time. He told me I belonged to him...but he was falling in love with royalty already. With the way things are between us now...maybe its just me who's complicating things. Its just me thinking I have a chance at becoming part of his life...when all he thinks of me is a friend. I have to let go of that thinking..so that I wont get hurt so much. Have to let go of what I think is the need to define who I am to him, where I stand, if I have a place in his heart. Let things be. Let fate decide. Step back and let go. And be prepared to get hurt once more when things dont turn out the way I want them to be.

Valentine's Day

I dont celebrate this day..never did. Even when I was in a relationship. Why just show your love on this day when you can show it everyday?  And this year is no different. Besides, I dont have anyone to celebrate it with. I have someone in mind (and in my heart) but he also has someone else in his heart.

Nevertheless, he's still my valentine. And since I'll be in the office on that day, might as well spread love in the office. Got my T&Q kids and powerpuff girls. And grandmother G too. Hehe.

But I think I'll stay away from FB for a bit. Kinda makes me sad to see happy couples. Bitter lang?! Lol. Makes me sadder and wistful. Would make it harder for me to move on.

Here We Go Again

Afraid to to bring it up and stir the waters so I'll just let out my thoughts here. I said he needs to figure things out so I can figure out myself too.

Holding it in until I can. Giving it all I got until there's nothing left to give. Hurting but keeping silent because I know I'll just be heartbroken. Again.

My fault for staying, for hoping, for being me. So I'll suffer the consequences silently and wait til fate decides.

Bad Dream

Woke up from a bad dream that was somewhat real 2 years ago. It was G breaking up with me, although he was doing it face to face. I think LG and I talking and me making kwento brought up that memory.

It doesnt hurt anymore, him breaking up with me. I did things that led to that, same things royalty did to LG. Except for the birthday part. But I feel alone again. Because it's always me who gets left behind.

I've been in several relationships but I only had 6 serious ones. And out of those 6, there was only one wherein I was the one who walked away and turned my back. It was with D and I know I hurt him so much. The other 5 were with H, P, G, U and LG. All of them left and turned their back on me.

Makes me think there's something wrong. Maybe I wasnt meant to be in a relationship at all, because I cant be. Whatever the case, I need to get over what I'm feeling now. Cant let this win or else depression will set in again.

Victims of Love

You say you've had enough but you cant stay away. Cant not reply or call or talk. Force of habit you say. Yes it may be true but deep inside, there's a part of you that wishes she'd change. Show what you've been looking for. 

It's ok my friend. I understand. I went through the same thing with you. Still go through it at times. It's called love. What makes us different is I never had you, right from the start. Thats why it was so easy for you to give up on me. But thats not important now. Whats important is what you really want. I'll just be by your side and support whatever decision you make. Listen to you rant when things dont go your way. Drink with you when you want to be numb and high.

We're all victims of love. Bitten by the love bug. Theres always that one person who'll win our hearts and no matter what we do, will remain there.

You're smarter and more logical than me. I just hope your heart doesnt override your mind. Balance both, as I dont want you to go through what I go through.

Heartache

It's never easy to recuperate from heartache. Memories will always be there, invading your mind and space. They always said time heals all wounds. But they didnt say there are other things you need to do too. Staying in contact or constant communication with the other party never helped. It just keeps the wounds fresh. Stay away and heal from within. Friends will help you keep your mind off things but it's when you're alone that's scary.

No matter what side of the story you're in, it's never easy to recover from a relationship. Some had it easy, they left a relationship because they found someone knew. But for the majority of the population, that's not the case. When you leave because you've had enough but you still love the person, it's hard to get over the fact that you gave your all but it wasnt good enough. Hard not to think of all the times you showed you cared, the sacrifices you made....which were taken for granted. Have to remember that it's their loss, not yours. Because if you gave it your all and you stretched your patience, but nothing happened, then it's not worth it. Not worth staying and fighting to keep the relationship. Because even though you love the person, you're not happy anymore. What good is there in that?  

Sometimes fairy tales come true and people get back together. The other party learns from the break up and strives to be better. It's a risk to take...exposing your heart once more and trusting that the other person has changed.

Loving someone is never easy. It involves sacrifice, understanding, little heartaches here and there...but what's important is that the two parties involved truly love each other. And will fight to keep the relationship.

In a way I can relate to this post. But instead of staying away I stayed and allowed myself to continue getting hurt. Someone gave up on me because of what I did. Chose to keep me as a friend. The turn of events has made things complicated now and yet I'm still here, loving him. Yes I wish we were back together. But only when his mind is clear, when he's sure he loves me. And not because I make him feel important and I'm always there for him.

I dont know how our story would be..if there's an ending in the near future.  All I know is that he's the only one for me.

Lessons in Life and Love

We all have that one true and great love. Someone we'd do anything for, our obsession.  Sadly, they cant be ours. Because they have their own one true and great love. All you can do is love them and be there for them. And hope that one day you meet the person for you.

It hurts but it's reality. Something we need to accept eventually. But it's hard to hold on to reality when the person you love is complicated.

I honestly dont know where I stand now. I get caught up in my emotions when he's sweet and I feel he cares. Hard to remind myself that I'm just a friend when we act like we're more than that. But I choose not to end it. I'll just let things be. If I end up getting hurt again, then let it be. I'm scared but I've learned a bit from the past. I dont belong to anyone but my heart is his. Hence am single but complicated.

I love and will continue to love...and I've learned how to love because of him. Now that he's in pain, I pray that in time he heals. And we all learn a lesson from this.

*Can I just have a heart of stone and not love anymore? Lol. Thats just my mind talking.

Night Out

Felt good to go out at night again. What made it even better was that LG was there. Missed going out with him, it's been a while. Sad to know what happened between him and royalty though.  She just took for granted a love that someone else was dying to feel.

'Nuff said.