Sunday Morning

Morning once again. Past 7am and it's gloomy. Suits my mood. I just wanna stay in bed. Try to sleep. Maybe I'll have good dreams again.

Update:

He texted. Nothing special. But made me smile. And happy. :) :) :)

Awake

Woke up from a dream with LG in it. Again. I guess I miss him that much. Haven't heard from him, except for an acknowledgement of something work related. I'd like to think it's because he's with royalty. But my gut says it has something to do with Friday or his post.

Makes me sad. His post. That he feels that way. Reassured him that whatever's he's thinking won't happen unless it was him. But I know it's futile. I wish I could go to him and hug him tight. Until he sees reason.

Cold. Indifferent. I hope he won't be when we see each other. He seems to be that way now. Am making lambing but...nothing. not in the mood. I hope it's not about royalty too.

Am rambling again. I doubt I can go back to sleep with these thoughts on my mind. I wish he was going to the xmas party tom...or I could make him aya to meet up after...

I hope am wrong. That I'm overthinking. That this is just one of his moods that will pass.

I miss him. :(

Wishful thinking

Wanna go on vacay. Anywhere out of town. Overnight is fine. With LG. No one else.

Sigh. Wishful thinking.

I can dream right? Do dreams come true?

'Nuff said.

Overthinking(?)

Can't go back to sleep. Keep thinking about LG and Friday. Wondering how he feels about it. If it was good for him as it was for me. If there's guilt involved.

Surprisingly, there's none for me. Have I gone cold and emotionless? I am scared though. Of karma. As much as I would like to think I'd be the only one to elicit that behavior from him, I know it's not true. There's always gonna be someone better than me. :(

I said I wouldn't but yet I went ahead. Why? I dunno. Too strong for me to battle, I guess. It's been too long. Then now we have limited time. Argh. Can't be choosy though, just be glad there are chances like that.

Will this continue? Depends on LG. Seems we're testing the waters nowadays. Aside from my overthinking, it seems we're gonna be ok. Wish I could read his mind though. And that he was here. Right now. With me.

Missing LG

I miss LG. In every way possible. Not replying to my messages through SMS and my FB message remains unseen. Either not in the mood or can't. Just 2 more days (or nights) til Monday and I smile. Next week's an uber busy week though. But I know I will still find time for him. I wonder if we can steal some time away on Thursday? I think I should ask first if he wanna comes with me. :) I will just sleep the blues away. Dreams are better now. No more falling into a black hole. He's in my dreams though, and it makes me smile because we're together. See, dreams are better than real life. :) I remember Friday though...and I hope next time we have more time. Although I wonder if he enjoyed it, I did..maybe one of these days that will be answered. I am rambling, yes. Too much thoughts of him again on my mind. I hope he's ok. And that he remembered to take his vitamins.

Thanksgiving

Today, people celebrate thanksgiving. A lot of posts in FB, thanking friends and family. Why do we have to wait for this day to thank the important people in our life? "Thank you" are words that can never be over used.

I am always thankful for the people in my life. Those who are always there for me and those who have hurt me. If not for them, I would not be who I am today.

Most especially, I am thankful for LG. He has taught me a lot. The most important lesson is that it doesn't matter if the person reciprocates the love you give the way you expect him to. What matters is that you love the person and care for him sincerely.

Miracles

I don't believe in them because I don't allow myself to. It would be a recipe for pain.

He said so himself. It can't be. And it won't be. Because he's sure it won't work. That he's the wrong guy. And I strongly disagree. But what would be the point in pushing for it, if he has already made up his mind?

He says he broke my heart but I hurt him too. He hides the pain and what he feels but he cares and it's real. As a friend or more, it won't matter anymore. What's important is we got each other's backs.

I stay. And will stay. He is my happiness. And no one, not even him, will tell me otherwise. I follow my heart. I will let fate decide and no one else, how this will end.

I push down thoughts of wishing for more, as this causes my pain and heartbreak. I accept whatever is there. Simply because I'm happy. You only get hurt when you expect more.

I wish for him to be happy, to stop hurting. If I could shield him from the pain, I would. But it is not my place to do so. I wish I had this better understanding of him months ago. Maybe things would be different now. But things happen for a reason. And I accept that.

I always feel time's running out and thus make the most of every day, every moment I'm with him. Storing memories of him, of us.

'Nuff said.

Today

A special day. One that comes every month and adds a milestone to any relationship. I hope and pray that it truly is a special one. One that brings happiness and love.

Not for me, but for the only person I love.

Dream

I wake up from a dream wherein I'm falling endlessly. Dark, cold. Icky, scary. And I wish you were here to comfort me.

I want to be with you again. But I know it's not possible. So I'll make do with seeing you tonight.

N. O.

No, I'm staying. And it's not because you spoke to me. I knew somehow I was staying even if I was entertaining thoughts of going out with someone.

No, you are not holding me back. My choice is not dictated by you.

No, do not tell me that you're wrong for me. Time and time again you've said that. And stop saying that. You say you're wrong for me but you're with royalty? So that means you're right for her? What do you think I'd feel about that? Stop thinking of the reasons you're wrong for me, why not think of the reasons you're the right one? If you don't love me, then say it. Don't give me other reasons.

No, it's not that you don't have the patience. You've been patient with me these past few weeks. You've already adjusted to me. And me, you. :P

No, you will not get hurt. Please believe me as words are the only thing I can give you now. I know you've been hurt too much in the past hence you're preventing it already. But please take my word for it.

No, I don't want things to change between us. I do not want an "early start" when I don't even know if this will end.

No, you do not think of ways to break my heart so that I will follow my mind. If you do that, you might lose me entirely.

No, it's not you who had the problem last Sunday. No one did. It was just a bad time for us. I shouldn't have made aya. It wasn't how I imagined our "comeback" would be. Now I have to wait and see if we'd have the chance again

Just let me continue loving you, the way I do now. And stop thinking of "what ifs". I wouldn't do anything to hurt you, because I know how it feels too. And I know how much pain you're going through already, why would I add to it?

You want me to be happy? Then just let me be and stop pushing me away or giving me away.

Don't Let Me Go

Why would you say happiness is near when I don't even know if I would pursue? You're my happiness now and I don't have plans of changing it. Please don't do this to yourself, to us. You say you don't have a hold on me but in a way you do. Because whatever you do, my heart belongs to you. Even if you say you can't make me happy, can't you allow me to make you happy? Because that's what makes me happy. Being with you, taking care of you, seeing you smile, making lambing to you. I don't believe in miracles but if they happen then good for me. I've been forcing myself to think of you as a friend and yet here I am, still believing that if it's meant to happen it will. And that there is a you and me someday. You say the outcome's not gonna be good, either way. When there's a chance it would. You've thought of all the reasons you could to explain why it won't work. When these reasons can be overcome, if we want it to work..if you do. Sometimes I feel that I'm just not good enough and A is (was) You act as if I've fallen in love with someone else. When I didn't. And I know that's not gonna happen. I love only one person and that's you. I know in my heart I do. It would take a lot to win my heart, that person has to surpass you. Yes I'm assuming now that you love me and I'm bold enough to tell you. Because the way you're acting tells my gut a percentage of my assumptions are true. I just want you to tell me straight. Tell me what's in your heart, not what you think is right. Stay or go? I want to stay but you're pushing me away, in preparation for something we don't even know if it would happen. Break my heart one last time if you would. But think about it before you answer. Because I don't want any regrets. And I hope you decide to let me stay. Because I'm not ready to let go. I don't want to let go. I'm afraid to let go. Am frustrated. Seeing you like this but not wanting to talk about it. I want to talk to you about it but you closed the door. Not open for discussion. Understandable, we're at work but you won't go anywhere with me after work naman. :(

Cryptic

Cryptic posts I can't decipher. Mood I can't alter. Not jealous but moping around. Why can't you be straight with me? Yes I entertain the thought. And it's all up to him. If he can make room for himself. Since it's you who's there. He'll have to start from scratch. There aren't any old feelings left from years ago. Nothing will change, unless it's you who will. And I hope you won't. I love you, that hasn't changed. And it won't. So please don't push me away.

Heart vs Mind

Hard to let go and say goodbye to someone. Especially when you're not willing to. My heart says no, my mind says yes.

For now I follow my heart. Because I know I still love with all my heart. No matter how bruised it is. For now I will let things be.

'Nuff said.

Reasons

Reasons I should allow myself:

1. Ungas will take care of me.  He already did before.
2.  LG cares for me only as a friend. 
3. Ungas can make me happy.
4. LG doesn't love me, he's in love with royalty.
5. Only a miracle will make LG love me more than a friend. (and I don't believe in miracles)
6. Another miracle will let LG allow me in his life, considering all the things he's thought of why we can't be together. (again, I don't believe in miracles)
7. I should move on.

Reasons I shouldn't:

1. I care for LG more than a friend.
2. I might hurt Ungas this time.
3. I still love LG.
4. I'm scared to take the risk with Ungas or with anyone.
5.  I still love LG. 

As long as LG is in my heart, I don't think I have room for anyone else.  But if Ungas or someone manages to make room for himself, then I will probably entertain the thought. For now, we will be friends. He knows everything anyway, it's up to him if he'll do something about it.  

But still, I'm thinking.

Love and Happiness

Yeah yeah..I know. That's why I stayed right? To make sure he's happy. But he says he's not. Nothing much I can do about that. I can only make him happy as a friend. It's really his choice. I know he doesn't let go because he loves her and still hopes she'd change. Am just afraid his love would turn to hate later on and they'd lose the friendship too.
Yes, I am crazy. I care about how things will end up between them. It's because he might get hurt. And he doesn't deserve that. He wouldn't be hurt if I were the one in her place but it's too late for that now. At least I can take care of him at work or when we're together. Much as I wish I could do more, that's not my place to do so.
It seems the universe is gonna give me a shot at my own happiness, if I decide to take the chance. Still need to think about it. My heart's been broken so many times that I'm hesitant to take the risk. Besides, I need to love LG as a friend na lang so that I don't end up hurting anyone. I want LG to meet him and give his approval. Para he'd know I'll be in good hands.
Bahala na. There's no rush anyway.

Your All

In my case, not really the wrong person...but it's because you can't make someone love you if they love someone else.

Life (edited)

...can be cruel sometimes. The person you care about doesn't care the same way you do. In fact, he's with someone else. Nothing else you can do but continue to care and move on with your life.

And it becomes complicated. Ungas is back. Clearly stating what he wants. But it's been too long. And the door to my heart is closed. Should I open? I don't want to use him.

Let's take it slow, I say..

Note to Self

Get a grip.

Just a few more hours and this day will be over.

Random Thoughts of Work

One of my kiddos decided to resign today and look for her happiness. As much as I don't want her to go, I have to. I admire her because she had the courage to make that choice. I know, somehow, it was a painful choice to make. The team's been her 2nd family for the past years and we'll miss her. Hell, I will. For all her katigasan ng ulo, I love her to bits. I love all my kiddos.

Here I go again...this is what happens when I get too attached. But I can't help it. They're my family...one of the reasons I go to work. Why I still keep on going, trying to fix things. I know, one of these days I will have to loosen my hold on them and let them grow. In a way, I have. I entrusted them to LG's care. And this is because I trust him. I know he will take care of them and do the right thing. He may even do a better job in handling them. I think I spoiled them too much. He'll be the one to balance things. That's fine. I think that has always been his role in my life anyway.

Anyway, am sad am losing her. But I can't force things. I keep on thinking if there was something I could have done to prevent this...as I always do when someone leaves. I'm not the mentor they're looking for..and I feel I've failed them. It's been how many years and we're still like this... :(

LG asked if this was a sign...of things to come. Maybe it is. And if it is, I'll let them go. Am at a point when I just wanna start fresh...a coward's way maybe but I dunno how else to deal with it without the stress and pain. If they wanna leave, I'll let them. It would just mean they're not willing to go through all these changes with us.
Am hopeful things will work out this time. I have LG on board and we make a great team. Now that things are better between me and LG, we're unstoppable now. Lol. There's just a lot more that needs to be done. Tiring but the end result would be worth it.

Admittedly, stress has gotten to me and I felt tired today. I totally crashed and didn't have the energy to think or do anything else. Cried at my station, feeling sorry for myself, wallowing in self pity. But it has passed, I think. The exchange of msgs with LG uplifted my spirits and has made me hopeful.

We can do this. The whole team can. People may leave but it won't be the end of the world. Life (and work) goes on.

'Nuff said.

One Reason

Tired

Physically. Mentally. Emotionally.

Crumble

Today I allow myself to be weak. To crumble. To feel low. Not to be strong, put down my wall and just let emotions take over.

Today I allow myself to cry. To mourn. To yearn and wish for something I know I can't have.

Because tonight I know I will be ok. Back to normal. Back to immersing myself in work in order so that I won't feel the emptiness inside. Back to being a momi to my kids and take care of responsibilities.

Back to showering LG with care and love. Because that's all I can do. And will do. While I still can.

Someday this will end. I will learn to love as a friend. And all this sadness, emptiness and yearning will go away.

'Nuff said.

Perfect Guy for Me

I met him. But we're just friends. And that's all we'll ever be.

Just one of those days reality hits me hard.

Then I'm down again.

An Old Friend

One thing about being active in FB is getting to re-connect with old friends, even with those whom you've had a not so pleasant past. Yes, a few years have passed but unfinished business is still unfinished business. Or is it?

I've learned my lesson this time. I won't rush. We had good times but there was a reason we fell apart.

Funny how we end up being in communication again with someone we'd never thought we'd hear from again. And this time I didn't start it.

Fate? Maybe. We'll see.

'Nuff said.

Sober

(Currently on repeat)

I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest
Or the girl who never wants to be alone
I don't wanna be that call at four o'clock in the mornin'
'Cause I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home

Ah, the sun is blindin'
I stayed up again
Oh, I am findin'
That that's not the way I want my story to end

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're my protection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I don't wanna be the girl that has to fill the silence
The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth
Please don't tell me that we had that conversation
'Cause I won't remember, save your breath 'cause what's the use?

Ah, the night is callin'
And it whispers to me softly, "Come and play"
I, I am fallin'
And if I let myself go I'm the only one to blame

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

Comin' down, comin' down, coming down
Spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round
I'm lookin' for myself, sober

The Past (late post)

Suddenly am missing bits and pieces of my past life. I miss my old team, I miss going out at night and chilling with friends, miss watching movies or going out on dates or simply spending time with a special someone. I miss going to the mall and going window shopping, hanging out at starbucks coz our feet are so tired from walking around.

Hay. What happened? Guess I got too caught up with work and self pity to actually go out and have a life. Well not having a special someone kinda contributed to it too. But, I can do something about some of the things I miss. Like my old team! Looks like a reunion needs to be organized before the end of the year....

And it's happening! Dec 14. No place yet. Hope it pushes through though.

Am excited!!! :)

....

Wanting to message and say hi. Send virtual hugs and kisses. But choosing not to, because I did say I wouldn't bother you.

So I'm saving the real ones for tomorrow, when I see you again.

I miss you.

Blurry

I've always liked this song...but it's only today that I've learned what the title is. Poor me. haist.

Everything's so blurry
and everyone's so fake
and everybody's empty
and everything is so messed up
pre-occupied without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone
you could be my scene
you know that i'll protect you
from all of the obscene
I wonder what you're doing
imagine where you are
there's oceans in between us
but that's not very far

Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well ya shoved it in my face
this pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well ya shoved it in my face

Everyone is changing
there's noone left that's real
to make up your own ending
and let me know just how you feel
cause I am lost without you
I cannot live at all
my whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone
you could be my scene
you know that i will save you
from all of the unclean
I wonder what you're doing
I wonder where you are
There's oceans in between us
but that's not very far

Nobody told me what you thought
nobody told me what to say
everyone showed you where to turn
told you when to runaway
nobody told you where to hide
nobody told you what to say
everyone showed you where to turn
showed you when to runaway

This pain you gave to me

You take it all
You take it all away...
This pain you gave to me
You take it all away
This pain you gave to me
Take it all away
This pain you gave to me

Who did Elvis Really Love?

Was reading through a back issue of Reader's Digest (yes, back issue by a couple of months because I chose ebooks over RD) and saw a story with the same title.  It talked about Elvis and a certain Ann Margaret, who was known as the "female Elvis" at that time.  The article talked about their relationship, how they were happy with each other, complimented each other.  Ann also served as Elvis' motivation in one of his highest grossing films.  Now I really don't know much about Elvis but this story fascinated me. It seemed similar to a story I am quite intimate with. 

See, Elvis and Ann didn't end up together. Elvise went ahead and married Priscilla, because even if he was in love with Ann, he chose Priscilla because he stuck to what he believed in and what he said before - he wouldn't marry anyone from the same career.  I looked up the story in google and saw a blog that said Elvis didn't choose Ann because they were too alike, she was too independent and he didn't think their relationship would last.  True enough, he was hot and cold to Ann and she couldn't understand why.  He never talked to her about it and just maintained the friendship..until Ann finally had enough and went out with someone else.  She eventually got engaged to the guy and Elvis was upset (haller?!) Then he eventually married Priscilla and Ann married the guy.  It was also written that up until his death he would send flowers to Ann whenever she had an event.

Kinda sad don't you think?  2 people meet,jive, fall in love but don't end up together. They seemed to be soulmates, what went wrong?  I wonder what could have happened if they did end up together? If Elvis just took the risk and married her? This has happened so many years ago and they're celebrities but I'm intrigued. 

Just random thoughts on a Monday morning.  I just finished reading the article so here I am typing away.  I'm thinking of looking for Ann's autobiography so I could read more about her and Elvis, but we'll see. I have my thoughts on J. Hill's book which I finished a couple of days ago but it's still in my drafts.  I'll get to that soon.  For now, I think I will go back to sleep.

Grateful

...for today. Had fun during the family day event at SMC even if I dreaded going. I really didn't want to go, I didn't know any of the parents and I'm not one to make friends either. Surprisingly the games with the kids were fun. Watching the kids perform was worth it too.

Even if I was tired and sleepy, had to go to Shopwise to do the grocery and run a few more errands. Saw sapin sapin and suddenly had the urge to eat some. Yummy! Now I have a happy tummy. :)

As I lay down to sleep, I can't help but wish again that LG was with me. This is getting to be a habit already, wishing LG was around whenever I do something or even when I prepare food. And I'm missing him often already. Haist. But he's on my mind naman always so that's close enough, he's with me in spirit. Ahihi.

Thank you Lord for today. Today made the weekend not so bad after all. I feel blessed to be alive and have a family, albeit crazy at times. I continue to pray for the victims of Yolanda, may they have the strength to pick up the pieces and continue to have faith.

Am retiring early for today. School day tomorrow so I'll be up early again. Goodnight!

:) :) :)

Weekend is near

......and for some reason am not looking forward to this weekend. It'll be three long days...before I see LG again. Before I get to talk to him. Out of sight, out of mind eh.

I don't like this feeling. Gotta snap out of it. :(

Goodbye and Hello

A Wish and more

I wish you'd stop with the loathing and self pity. You continue to suffer now but it doesn't mean you deserve it. Things continue to happen to us because we haven't learned a lesson. What is it? I don't know.

Yes you're an ass but you forget that you are misunderstood most of the time too. There are people who love you but you push them away, unknowingly. There are still those who truly understand and are patient with you..who would continue to stay even if you push them away. Just like me.

Things may not work out the way you want them to right now..but there's a reason for everthing. Be patient. Love yourself. Think of the reasons you fell in love with her. But if the time comes there's truly no reason to stay, then don't.

I just don't want to see you like this. You deserve more, a lot more. You deserve to be happy.

I'm not saying it's me. I know I lost my chance. But at least as a friend I will try to make your life a bit easier, a bit more bearable. As we both continue to search for our better halves.

Rambling? Yes. Random thoughts already. Dont wanna go back and edit. You get my point, I think. I know you don't wanna talk about it. But am just here anytime you feel like talking.

'Nuff said.

Thanks to You

Thank you for teaching me how to love
Showing me what the world means What I've been dreamin' of
And now I know, there is nothing that I could not do
Thanks to You

For teaching me how to feel
Showing me my emotions
Letting me know what's real
From what is not
What I've got is more that I'd ever hoped for
And a lot of what I hope for is
Thanks to you

No mountain, no valley
No time, no space
No heartache, no heartbreak
No fall from grace
Can't stop me from believing
That my love will pull me through Thanks to You

Oh... There's no mountain, no valley No time, no space
No heartache, no heartbreak
No fall from grace
Can't stop me from believing
That my love will see me through Thanks to You Thanks to You

For teaching me how to live
Putting things in perspective
Showing me how to give
And how to take
No mistake
We were put here together
And if I breakdown
Forgive me but it's true
That I am aching with the love I feel inside
Thanks to You Thanks to you

I just want...

To be happy...or so I said yesterday. That was wrong. I had meant to say, I just want someone to be mine..take care of me, love me, treat me as if I'm the only girl in the world..add to my happiness. And I wanted it to be LG, but things aren't that way. And no, I won't settle for anyone less than LG. Whoever that person is has high standards to meet.

'Nuff said.

Love Sucks

Yes it does, sometimes. Especially when you love someone who loves someone else. Then that person you love isn't happy. Sucks right?

Makes me sad that LG isn't happy. Wasn't happiness supposed to be part of being in love?

But there's a reason for everything. Maybe there's a lesson that's supposed to be learned. Not just by LG, or A but also by yours truly.

I just hope he finds happiness soon enough. He deserves it. Everyone does.

*a thought crossed my mind: our story can be a plot for a telenovela. Haha!*

'Nuff said.

Build me up, Break me down

Today I will be a saviour
Tomorrow a demon
You crave my erratic behaviour
And watch my every move

Obsession at all costs
You'll be the death of me
Broken and torn apart
Why can't you let me be?

You build me up
You break me down
Until I'm falling to pieces
I crash and burn
I never learn
I'm your guilty addiction

Build me up Break me down

Today Saviour
Tonight I am the new messiah
You dare defy

When I'm no longer desired
I'll be crucified

The one who's free from sin
The first to cast the stone
Fighting the fear within
I won't be left alone

You build me up
You break me down
Until I'm falling to pieces
The price I pay
To live this way
And the fantasy stays alive

I can't live up I can't let down
And leave you falling to pieces
I crash and burn I never learn
I'm your morbid obsession

Build me up Break me down

I will be a saviour

You build me up
You break me down
Until I'm falling to pieces
The price I pay
To live this way
And the fantasy stays alive

I can't live up I can't let down
And leave you falling to pieces
I crash and burn I never learn
Your iconic fixation

Build me up Break me down
Build me up Break me down

:)

Really appreciate the message. Sweet. Nice to know there are people out there who care. People who I've rarely spoken to in a long time.

Drowning

Silent screams for help no one hears
Struggling to fight these demons I fear

Thursday Mumblejumble

Lost. Falling into a dark hole with no end. Mixed emotions or no emotions? Struggling to rise above it all but weighed down heavily by thoughts of despair. Wanting to go back to normal but being held back by something.  Everything affected. Work, family, LG. Small things irritate. Thinking of letting go. Leaving everything. Starting anew. A coward's way out. Or maybe a quick, short escape but can't leave right now. Can't figure out what's wrong. Careful not to give in, not to destroy the small amount of inner peace left. Looking for arms to hug me tight, hands to hold mine. Ears to listen but at a loss for words to explain this. Wanting to talk to LG but what do I say? How to explain? Psyched up on work, inspired and motivated. Dont want to be a bother and dampen spirits.

Going through the motions, there is no passion. Getting through the day, feeling disconnected from everything. Recognizing the signs...of a descent into depression. Feeling alone in my struggle. Fighting to keep it within.  Feeling no one would understand.  Tears are a temporary release. But the empty, hollow feeling remains. Holding on to small moments of happiness. Struggling to keep the faith. They said alcohol can be a solution and maybe it is or not. Only one person I'd choose to drink with but don't want to burden with my problems. Has a life to live, a relationship to fix.

Emotional burnout? A new word for nitotopak? I pray this too shall pass, soon. Like later. Please. Let this week end on a good note.

Give me a reason to be happy. To look forward to waking up and going through the day. I choose to be happy. The mind wills it. Now where is it?

'Nuff said.

IMLG

I missed LG. The first thing I wanted to do was hug him tight....but work got in the way...

Sometimes I catch myself staring at him and I smile wistfully...then...but that's enuf for now....

'Nuff said.

Time

When you care for someone, the most important thing you can give them is your time. Never pass up on the opportunity to be with your loved ones. There may come a day you won't have that anymore...

Bestfriends and Lovers

I agree with this. It's better if you start off as friends then become lovers. Then you have the best of both worlds because your best friend is your better half. That person understands you and accepts you completely, puts up with everything and you do the same.

I guess the downside is when you go your separate ways, you lose the friendship too. But it depends too on how you broke up. G was a classic case. We lost the friendship when we went our separate ways but I guess when we started lying to each other, we were already losing the friendship.

Chum, on the other hand...we lost the friendship too. It was too much for me to continue being her friend after all the hurt I'd been through. But after several years, we're back to being chums. Guess I needed time to heal after all. I still care for her but as my best friend. She's one of the very few who know me inside out and who would be there for me when I cry out for help.

The most ideal scenario I guess is if you end up spending the rest of your life with your better half who's also your best friend. That's a nice feeling. Waking up everyday beside the one person who lights up your world. Being in sync with that person and not being afraid if that person would leave you if you go bonkers coz of your mood swings. Haha! Wishful thinking again. Having that kind of relationship is rare nowadays.

Being Sentimental

Yes I am. I treasure everything a loved one gives me, no matter how small. These are stuff that make up my treasures as of late. When I see these I feel special and smile.

I'm missing a few more stuff but I'll take a picture later when I get to the office.

Hospitals

I hate hospitals. They make me nauseous. Make me think of death. I don't like the smell. Smells of medicine and death too.  Food isnt nice pa. Good thing there's fishball outside. Ahihi.

But...this will be over soon. Repeat to self lots of times.

....

I must have viber-ed at the wrong time. Makes me feel worse. Looks like he's in a bad mood and I think I woke him up.  :(

I won't bug na nga. I'll see him naman tomorrow, hopefully.

Sick

I feel like sh!t. My sinusitis attack is so bad. I feel like vomiting and my headache is killing me.  I can't eat coz I feel like puking when I do. If I don't naman my tummy's gonna complain.

Can't have this now...have lots to do. Pls go away...

Old Friend

Talked to an old friend today and he put things right back in perspective. I questioned a lot and he threw back questions too.

Am I happy? Has this choice of mine made me a better person or not? Why did I choose to stay? Why do I love LG in spite of everything? Do I love him just as a friend or more?

And my answers were still the same answers I had before. That yes, I do love him, more than a best friend. Yes am happy because I choose to be. Yes this has made me a better person, because I have learned a lot. I strive to be a better person because I don't want to disappoint. In spite of everything I choose to stay simply because I love him. I understand him more now and I want him to be happy.  I want more but am content with what we have. 

In short, he gave me that periodic slap in the face I need when I get to my moods. When I wish for more that what I have. When I yearn for something I know I won't get. When I get jealous and envious of someone else. When I long for someone to take care of me and want me and love me for who I am. When I wish I belonged to someone.

Thank you my friend. It's been awhile since we talked yet you brought a smile to my face and enlightened me today. I will buy you cofi when we see each other, whenever that would be. :)

Listless

Bothered. Questions again. Waiting for answers I already know. Missing someone. Wishing. Hoping. Knowing it's not gonna happen. Boils down to just one question:

Why?

Denial

My mind is in denial. Struggling not to think of papa and his operation tomorrow. Everything's normal for me....although mama's already thinking of what to bring and how she's gonna eat in the hospital. I already know my routine starting tomorrow...wake up, prepare brkfst, send PG off to school, go to Capitol, run errands for mama (who'd probably agitated already), prep papa before the operation, wait for him to be back in the room, fetch PG at 2pm, back to Capitol then go home by 7 or 8 pm. Oh am not yet done. Once home, feed the dogs, prepare PG and his stuff for school, then once he's asleep, go online and work from home. Whew. Hopefully I'd be awake long enough to get through the call with Scott and the cap plan call.

Am thinking of all these so that I wouldn't worry how papa would be...how his operation would be. I strongly believe nothing would go wrong, it's a simple procedure and it'll be over soon. Nothing to fuss about. No need to overthink. Right?

'Nuff said.

Weekend Blues

Can't sleep anymore. Wish I had someone to talk to. Not about this but about anything. LG sent a message, sweet of him. Wish he was here though, holding my hand and being my rock through all this. This is gonna be hard...am worried about papa, I'll have to calm mama..at the same time be a mom and make sure the house is ok.  I wonder how many trips I'll make to Capitol this time? Haist.  I've done it before and I can do it again.

I want pizza and ice cream. But where the hell can I get those at this time? I'd better think of what I'll prepare for breakfast later instead.

I will try to sleep and not bug LG. Doesn't seem he's in the mood for chitchat. I'll let him be. Altho I miss him and hearing his voice... Here I go again.  No making kulit. Back to sleep for me, I might dream of him again. :)

Change is a Good Thing

Just realized another change that has happened - I didn't feel bad when LG said he didn't want to drink! Like wth?! Is this really me? He said he wanted to eat and I was fine with it. Wow db? Sayang lang we didn't get to go, maybe next time.

Am thinking I didn't feel bad because I still got to spend a few more minutes with him when he rode a cab with me. Am content with whatever opportunity I have to spend time with him. But still, I am in awe - not even sure that is the right word.

Good thing he didn't want to drink. I would have missed out on mama's yummy lunch and I wouldn't be as bundat as I am now. Wish I could have LG come over sometime so he could taste mama's cooking, or mine.

Anyway, another thing to add to the changes I have undergone.  Add another adventure I had with LG earlier. I'll leave it at that because I wanna keep the memory to myself. A first and something I won't ever forget. Makes me want more though. Bad! Hehe.

Yes, I am still happy. Like LG, I kinda have the best of both worlds. Why complain about what I don't have when I have a lot to be thankful for?

Thank you Lord.  :)