Tired

I feel so freaking tired...physically, emotionally and mentally. But it's the emotional piece that's the heaviest. Tired of feeling alone, unappreciated...haist...

Lots of Whys

A question forever on my mind. Why shut me out but not other people? Why ignore me but not others? Why do I keep thinking of the reasons without actually confirming? Why do I just go ahead and try to understand? Why am I affected so much? Why havent I learned my lesson? Why haven't I given up? Why am I still holding on? Why still stay when obviously I'm being pushed away? Why not let go even if it hurts so much? Why allow myself to feel unimportant and taken for granted? Why after all these years I still feel the same?

One answer I can think of: love.

I just hope what Bianca and Janice said before doesnt happen. I have my limits, I think.

Back in My Shell

Starting to withdraw back in my shell. Too many thoughts on my mind that I cant share. Useless to share since no one would understand. Waiting for the day everything would make sense. Struggling to hold on. Emotions are strong, both good and bad. Feeling ignored and unappreciated, taken for granted. Got a few more to give but feeling worn out. This is not the right time and place...but where and when? Push emotions aside so that everything's normal. But until when can I escape? When will I face this? When will there be clarity?

This is the price I pay...

Fall in Love with Yourself

Because no one will do these things anyway
..

Fight but not Compete part2

So I said I wont compete but I feel it's a competition wherein I'm losing. I'm struggling to remain calm and not be in panic or aning mode. Quite hard, especially when it's the time of the month and everything is in overdrive, including my overthinking.

I wanna stop messaging LG and bothering him before he outrightly tells me to stop bothering him hence here I am ranting here. Am glad he's been sleeping well but aning mode tells me there's more to it. Guess I havent recovered from last week's "was sleeping" then after 30mins "am not home" incident. Sigh. Hard to trust when there's been lots of instances when it's been broken, together with my heart. But I want to, and it's always an internal conflict.

Funny how things are...the way I am with him is how he is with royalty. Uhmm..royalty? I have no idea how she is. She better be worth all the trouble and pain LG has gone through and is going through. He doesnt say it but I know he does love her still. Am not the one, am just his best friend, waiting in the sidelines. And I think how we are now is how they are too. Haller, going on vacay for 3 days? Yeah, I wont forget that.

If she accepts everything about him, as in everything - the lies, the mood swings, the asshole-ness, the cheating - and understands him, forgives him and still loves him as much, then fine. But she doesnt know him that well.

But that knowledge of him is working against me...he cant hide anything from me, hence a normal, committed relationship is a no. But we act like we are in one. Complicated? Of course. When were we not in a complicated relationship? I think we both just dont want to acknowledge it. I mean, we both dont want to let go of each other but we love each other differently. Me, he's my everything. Him, I'm his best friend who wont leave him but he cant bear to think of me with another guy. Yes he loves me but..uhmm...I dunno. He only says/acknowledges it when he's drunk. So what does that mean? There are times I feel he loves me, there are times I dont. Or it's just me. We do seem to be like an old couple. Oh well, I put myself in this situation so am not complaining. He is lost and am still helping him find his way. He has taught me patience though. Needs more work but I definitely am more patient than before. When he's in this mood (i dont feel like talking to you, loving or appreciating you mood, id rather be with someone else mood) I've learned to step back and wait. Sucks but thats how he is. Good thing I've learned to distract myself with games, books, chores and movies but it's so damn hard coz I miss him. Sometimes i get frustrated when he just replies okay when he wasnt like that before. It makes me think he has tampo and the insensitive me just didnt catch it.

Haist. I have strayed from the subject and ranted away again. So what? My blog, I can write whatever I want. It sucks when you cant talk to anyone about how you feel, simply because they wouldnt understand.

Now, back to DH4. The blood match is open again.

Enufsaid.

Fight but not Compete

Losing End

It's not a competition but I feel that it is. And am losing. Or did I ever have a chance? Or had a chance and messed it up? Oh yeah...I fucked up a couple of times...only time can tell what will happen...if it's meant to be, it will be.

But I sure hope that what I wish for so hard is what's meant to be...

Topak and Hugs

Why do women have topak? Especially during the time of the month?

Am nitotopak again and I know it's because it's that time of the month. I need a hug, a tight one.

Silence

In my silence I will love you. In my silence I will keep all the pain. In my silence I will be the friend you need....even if you dont know you need me...