From Me to You - edited

I will always be jealous of her. Because at the end of the day, it's her you love. You spend your time with her, doing normal stuff together.  I try not to bother you anymore bec I think you stay with her most of the time, if not everyday. Am pretty sure her family has accepted you fully too. Even though we play around, it's just that because when we go our separate ways, that's it. Out of sight, out of mind. Guess lust is all there is. You say you're not happy and you don't understand her most of the time and yet you're still there. Holding on, fixing the relationship..because you love her. I never had that, didn't feel that from you before. And I've accepted that I never will get that from you. I'm forcing myself to accept it. Better that way than thinking what's meant to be, will be. Am changing but there are days I just want you with me but can't. And it's hard. This is hard. I know my choice and I know this feeling will pass.

No, I'm not saying goodbye. I would never turn my back on my bestest friend.  I know you hide the truth so that I won't be hurt. But you can't hide that. I know it, my intuition tells me. I know you well enough. I've just learned not to hound you anymore. Slip a bit sometimes but I think I am able to stop myself. I try to be contented with what we have, it's what you can give. You never promised anything, never said anything to make me believe that we could be back together. Sometimes though I forget and I fall into the trap I set up for myself. It sucks everytime it happens but I learn and it makes me stronger. You still make me smile and am happy when I'm with you.  I can feel that you love me and that you care, just not the same level I do.

When the time comes I meet someone new, I will introduce him to you. Because I want you to gauge for yourself that I would be in good hands. I'd want him to understand too who you are in my life. That no matter what happens, I would always drop everything, even choose you over him, should you need me.

This must have been what Ken felt when Glenn and I were still together. Unfortunately (and apparently), our love wasn't that strong. He gave up immediately. Or maybe I did. We both did. I don't wanna wish the same thing would happen. Heck, I don't even know if I can make you happy.

I dunno where you're at right now...if you're still lost or if you've found your way. Things do seem to be better for you now. You seem cold and indifferent at times and am thinking it's because you want to fix things with her. That playing around with me will mess it up. I'll go with the flow. Maybe am just overthinking. I'm just here for you. Still loving you deeply. Passionately.

'Nuff said.

Mumblejumble

Jumbled emotions. What the hell is this? Can't have this..not now when everything's going so well.

Time to push everything aside, forget them and just be the friend I am. Plus work too. Been tamad mode for too long. If I accomplish a lot tomorrow, I will midweek. If not, then no go.

'Nuff said.

Bits and Pieces

Tossing and turning in my sleep
Dreams of you and her make me weep..

Friendship and Love

This is a pampalubag loob for people like me....but it's true. Friendship does last longer than love. And it is hard to love someone who loves someone else.  But can't friends become lovers? Isn't it nice when your partner is also your best friend? Just random thoughts.

Life ain't easy but we learn as we go along. I've learned a lot and I'm still learning. I'm not the same person I was almost a year ago. Guess that's what happens when you love someone. Still hopeful I'll meet my prince someday. I've abandoned the thought of having LG as my prince. Doesnt look like it's gonna happen and I only hurt myself when I think of that :(

When the time comes that I meet my prince, it doesn't mean I'd forget about LG, he'd always have a place in my heart. It would just mean I've learned to let him go and just be a friend. When that would be, I have no idea.

'Nuff said.

Surprises and Smiles

Last week was a great week. We succeeded in surprising LG and making his day special. Makes me smile whenever I think of his reaction and the smile on his face. We had a great time planning it too. I wanted it to be perfect and it was. Everything was worth it.

Wish everyday was like his bday but then again it wouldn't be special anymore. Just giving him something to smile about in the office is enough for me. Can't do much about his life outside the office though...if only I could and had the right.... :(

Here I go again. Enough of that. It is what it is. I just wish him the happiness he deserves.

'Nuff said.

Loving and Leaving

I find myself reading this over and over again, for some reason. Maybe because at some point in my life I felt unwanted and was about to leave. But I chose to stay because leaving meant giving up. I guess my case was different because the love I shared wasn't reciprocated the same way.

In a way what this says is true...when you're in a relationship and you feel unwanted...it's time to move on. Not because you want them to realize what they've lost and want you back but for yourself. But that's hard to do..most of the time when we love someone we want to make sure the relationship works before calling it quits. The love we feel for the person surpasses the love for ourselves. That's not good too because you have to love yourself. But when do we stop and think of ourselves, walk away and never look back? Isn't that hard? Walking away from someone you love? Then what if that person realizes what a fool they've been and wants you back? Do you come back or stay away? Wouldn't there be regrets, unfinished business?

I guess that's why I decided to stay and continue to love, even if it's unreciprocated. I don't want to have regrets. I can't just walk away from the person I love. It doesn't matter anymore if I'm loved back in return or not. Why? Because I learned to love myself too. I know that if I do walk away, I will look back in a few year's time and always think of what ifs. Regrets. I hate that. Might as well give my all when I have the chance.

Does that make me weak? Because I can't let go? Can't leave? I dunno. I do know that I'm happier now. There may be times I wish things were different and I get sad but at the end of the day, what matters is I stayed and continue to love the person.

This is the first time I've gone this far. Does this mean I've matured? Or just scared? I really dunno. I don't have the answers and I don't think I'll ever know. Maybe in time I would find out. All I know is that what I feel is real.

'Nuff said.

The One That Got Away

Damn LSS! And it's just 1 line I find myself singing over and over again.

Must be the effect of getting too close again. Need to detox a bit over the weekend. It's easy to forget the circumstances nowadays.

..in another life...I would be your girl...

Haist. I'm becoming delusional again.

Sad and Happy

Every now and then, sadness strikes. Reality. An unbearable feeling that always makes it way to me no matter how hard I try. Guess this is God's way of keeping it real for me. It never really is easy and this is my choice. Someday, maybe someday these episodes won't come anymore.

This can't be....not this week. This is a special week. I want this week to be 100% sadness free. And fight free.

Seeing that smile is enough to make me happy.

'Nuff said.

Tired

Today's just one of those days I wish I had you to come home to. Crawl into bed with you and fall asleep in your arms.

But the thought of seeing you tonight is enough to uplift my spirits...

Random Thoughts on a Monday

Monday once again. Sigh. No inspiration tonight. Sigh. Not sleepy now and uber bored. Sigh sigh. Missing someone badly. Sigh to the highest level.

Gotta get a grip. Can't get carried away. Have to be careful. Being happy is enough but to forget the circumstances would be a disaster in the future.

Gotta snap out of my boredom. Dvd or read? Demigods, shopaholic or mortal instruments? Hmmm...I wonder what I'll end up with...?

All I Want...

Yeah..yeah..I know...am just saying.. :)

Pagbigyan na..am happy nowadays..

Dreams...can come true (?)

What do dreams mean? I've been dreaming about LG lately and I don't know if they mean anything. Maybe I just think about him often?

He was in my dreams again last night. So imagine my surprise (and smile) when I woke up and saw a msg from him. Yeah, yeah...the pessimist in me says it may not have been for me but what the heck. I replied anyway.

I'm not sure if dreams do come true. Dreams we have when we're asleep, I mean. It's like saying fairytales are true. There are those who have their dreams interpreted and believe in all that. I'd rather just leave it alone and let things be. As they say, libre lang naman mangarap. Haha!

One of these days I gotta stop allowing myself to be too happy. I might get carried away. Yes, I have become a cynic once again. Because nothing in this life is permanent and things can change in an instant.

Gotta remember that. 'Nuff said.

One of those Days

Have you ever had one of those days that you just wanna make lambing to the one you love? Hold the person tight and say you love him, over and over again? Just look at him, from head to foot. Memorize every feature and just stare as if the world's gonna open up and swallow him whole any minute?

Well, it's one of those days. Even if  he's not here with me physically, I can picture him in my mind..how his eyes get wrinkled when he laughs or smiles...how he looks when he's full and sleepy already...hayy...

I'm a hopeless case...until now I am still so hopelessly in love with him. I just wish he was here...I miss him already.

'Nuff said.

Happy Thoughts

I can't stop smiling...what a great way to end the week...

Yes I know it's not gonna last but let me silence the pessimist in me. I wanna enjoy this moment!!!! This morning goes inside my treasure chest of happy memories.

Spending time with a loved one, no matter how short or long, no matter what circumstances, brings happiness no material thing can bring. And for that, I am super grateful I was able to spend time with LG, even if it was just for a few hours.

*smiling from ear to ear*

'Nuff said. *giddy*

Memories

...back to haunt and torment me. Memories of good times almost a year ago are hounding my thoughts as THE day fast approaches.

Bittersweet memories. Traitors. They come when you least expect them. When you've thought you've forgotten them, buried in the deep recesses of your mind. They come when you're alone, or when you come across a date, a place or even a simpe thing. It doesn't help if you're sentimental too.

I won't give in...especially these coming days. I won't allow them to torment me and make me do things I swore would never do again.

For now I will surround myself in the company of my books. Where love prevails, overcomes all challenges. Where the girl and the guy are meant to be. Hey, it doesn't hurt to be lost in that fantasy for a few hours a day. Makes me a teeny bit hopeful my someone special will find his way to me. Or maybe not. I can live with either.

'Nuff said.

Decisions and Random Thoughts

I made the decision to stay. Yes, I turned down SGS. Why? Because I can't leave yet...can't leave LG, can't leave my kiddos. My main reason for wanting to leave was LG..and now he's the reason I'm staying. Why? We're not gonna end up back together  but I might as well enjoy every moment I can with him, while it lasts.

He asked if I was happy with him like this and I said yes. Of course I didn't deny that I wish I was the one but it is what it is, I gotta accept it. Told him not to feel he was being unfair since this is my choice anyway, I allowed this to happen. It would be a bit unfair if he loves me the same way I do and then he loves her too. But it's not the case so I don't feel he's being unfair to me. Sometimes though my principles get the better of me and I think of her...and that it's unfair and wrong. Good thing we never got around to doing it, even if we are so tempted to do so.

I musn't forget that...that we can't while they're together. If ever we do, I want it to be right...no regrets. Hay. I wonder when that would happen. And because of that freakin' tension between us, we can't go out just like before. Hay. Again. I wonder if he feels that way too with another ex of his..the same one I'm so jealous of too. Darn. It's so hard when there are others loving the same person you love...

Someday I won't be jealous anymore...and that would mean I just really care for him as a friend only. I wonder though if that would happen...

Sigh...love...always my waterloo...as chum always said...when I love, I love to the extremes. And this time it's a bit different...there's passion involved..if you can call it that way..? Whatever.

'Nuff said.

Happy happy!

Happy much! :)

Madness

...gotta stop it. It's destroying my inner peace. 'Nuff said.

Looking back...

...saw my post last Sept 8...funny how things can change in a month or so. I wonder what people are thinking of when they read this? Especially since they don't know me?

What do you think? Yes you. Whoever you are reading through my blog. :)

Happy Thoughts

I've been smiling more lately. Happier than I've ever been these past few months. The kind of happy that gives me peace. Guess I had to be lost in order to find myself again.

Had a nice talk with LG today. Told him stuff I never had the chance to say personally. I'm glad our friendship's like this - easy, honest, open and comfortable. I know he loves me, there are just certain factors preventing us from being together as in "together". The fact that he loves me is enough to make me happy. I told him I've thought of the different reasons it wouldn't work out between us and it's true. In trying to move on with my life, I've come up with different reasons why it wouldn't work...so that I'd just move on. In a way I still hope that we'd be back together and we'd learn from our mistakes...but que sera sera...if it's meant to be, it will be.  It would be a telenovela ending if we do end up with each other and telenovela endings aren't real. Or if they are, they're rare.

I really have learned a lot from loving LG. I've learned about patience, how to let go, how not to freak out when things don't go my way and I'm still learning. I can't describe how I feel for him. This is the first time I've put up with someone for so long..and felt the same way still after how many months (or years). What makes him different? There's passion? There's always something new to learn from him? I dunno. All I know is we jive most of the time. Yeah we fight but I take those as learning experiences.

I'm rambling now. And I'm not gonna read through this again just to edit. I had just meant to write down my happy thoughts..and that meant writing about LG. He's still my everything, next to my family and work. And I would still do anything for him, just to make him happy.  Apiece of it too is that I made an effort to be happy with myself...you really can't depend on other people for your happiness. True, I still get lonely and yearn for company..even if it simply means having someone to be at the mall with or at Starbux and just be me...but I can't just mope around wishing for that to happen. Life is short, you gotta enjoy it while you can.

I read this in P. Coelho's book, 11 Minutes, and it struck me:

"Passion makes a person stop eating, sleeping, working, feeling at peace. A lot of people are frightened because, when it appears, it demolishes all the old things it finds in its path.

No one wants their life thrown into chaos. That is why a lot of people keep that threat under control, and are somehow capable of sustaining a house or a structure that is already rotten. They are the engineers of the superseded.

Other people think exactly the opposite: they surrender themselves without a second thought, hoping to find in passion the solutions to their problems. They make the other person responsible for their happiness and blame them for their possible unhappiness. They are either euphoric because something marvelous has happened or depressed because something unexpected has just ruined everything.

Keeping passion at bay or surrendering blindly to it - which of these two attitudes is the least destructive?"

'Nuff said.

Wanting...

Love, Life and the Past

While I was alone at Trinoma, I got to think of how my life has been these past few years. Thought of past relationships, love lost and lessons learned. There's 1 thing I've learned, if you're no longer happy with your partner and you're playing around...end the relationship...it's not gonna go anywhere anymore.

True, you gotta be happy with yourself before you get into a relationship. Your partner should add to your happiness, not be the sole source of your happiness.

Confused

Totally confused today...didn't expect that question to come up. He expected me at the time I told him I was coming in...he doesn't look for me usually naman. Then now..? I wanna take things at face value, that his disposition is erratic. But i can't help but feel and think of something else. He didn't miss me naman, he just expected..eh why would he expect when he doesn't usually expect? Haist. Am I overthinking again? I just feel bad coz I let him down, he expected then I failed to meet expectations. Manhid ba ako, tanga or overthinking lang talaga? :(

Emotions

LG has been troubled and cryptic lately. I kinda figured out a few pieces together but I refrained from asking further because of his need for privacy. Today though he kinda opened up a bit. And I felt sad. He gave the world..only to be taken for granted in return. Am irritated too in way, because I make sure I take care of him when I can. She should be able to do that..heck, she should be doing that. Doesn't seem to be the case though. He doesn't deserve this. I really hope it's just a matter of miscommunication or a result of a misunderstanding. It breaks my heart to think that she's breaking LG's heart. :(

Reminder

Note to self: he's taken. You're friends. Take everything at face value. Don't get too carried away.

Test...

Just downloaded bloggeroid in my tab...checking if it`s easier to blog from my tab vs my mobile...

So far so good.

Every now and then...

...I find myself wishing I was the one he was gonna take out during weekends....buying stuff and being all sweet and loving...

But then again I realize it's not meant to be. Because if it were, then we still would have been together now.

It's good to reminisce and wish the good times were still here...but gotta remember that everything happens for a reason. Then move forward.

ROAR!

My current fave song!

I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath Scared to rock the boat and make a mess So I sat quietly, agreed politely I guess that I forgot I had a choice I let you push me past the breaking point I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything

You held me down, but I got up (hey!) Already brushing off the dust You hear my voice, your hear that sound Like thunder, gonna shake the ground You held me down, but I got up Get ready 'cause I had enough I see it all, I see it now

I got the eye of the tiger, the fire Dancing through the fire 'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar Louder, louder than a lion 'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar!

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh You're gonna hear me roar!

Now I'm floating like a butterfly Stinging like a bee I earned my stripes I went from zero, to my own hero

You held me down, but I got up (hey!) Already brushing off the dust You hear my voice, your hear that sound Like thunder, gonna shake the ground You held me down, but I got up Get ready 'cause I've had enough I see it all, I see it now

I got the eye of the tiger, the fire Dancing through the fire 'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar Louder, louder than a lion 'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar!

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh You're gonna hear me roar!

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh You're gonna hear me roar!

Roar, roar, roar, roar, roar!

I got the eye of the tiger, the fire Dancing through the fire 'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar Louder, louder than a lion 'Cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar!

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh You're gonna hear me roar!

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh You're gonna hear me roar!

Missing Someone

But not as much as before....

Random Thoughts

Awake. And craving for Angel's burger and Krispy Kreme. Good thing my brother bought me Angel's...but bitin. I want more!!! Lol.

My hand still hurts but not as much as yesterday. I think I'll hold off on the doctor bit. Am scared to go to the doctor...I think I'm sick. Something's not right with my body but I can't figure it out. My weight's dropped big time...I think I lost 10 pounds in the last couple of weeks..and still losing more. Really weird. Now I have to change my wardrobe since almost all my pants are too big for me. Haist.

I thought of LG again earlier and wondered if he was asleep or out. I quickly stopped myself. I don't wanna wonder anymore or think of what he's doing or where he is. It's just gonna lead to me hounding him once again. I gotta let go of him, in that way. Can't bring back the past, he's happy and loves someone else no..can't forget that. But we're still friends and I can live with that.

Over the weekend I f*cked up my friendship with D. Well, not my fault exactly. I was just honest enough to tell him that just because we got history doesnt mean I'm willing to gp to bed with him. Seems he took it bad. Just when I thought we were gonna be ok. Why did I ever think we could be friends? Haist. Better stop forcing it, doesn't seem he just wants to be friends. And I don't want to be his fubu. Pft.

Wow. I think I've rambled on for as much as I can already. Almost time to fetch the little boy from school. I'll just read a bit. Am back to reading books by the way, gives me a chance to escape reality a bit. Am currently reading "Never Let Me Go", so far so good.

'Nuff said for now...

Ouch!

My freakin hand and arm hurts like hell. It's like my veins are swollwn coz I can feel them sort of jutting out of my arm. Am scared to have myself checked...although I know I should. I'll sleep first for now. If this carries on when I wake up, off to the doctor I go.

Another Chance

Learned a big lesson today...another one of the many lessons I've learned so far. I became selfish and insensitive these past few days, not realizing that I was hurting a loved one. Everything was natural to me...and he had a point. If you love someone, you would always think of how that person would feel before doing anything. I guess I was caught up in my own emotions that I failed to see I was hurting him too. He also reminded me of the value of saying sorry..knowing me and my inconsistencies, it will be a challenge to prove to him that I really am sorry. I'm just glad that he forgave me and kinda gave our friendship another chance. Hate myself though because I know I disappointed him once again. When I know for a fact that he's been through a lot of disappointments and I told myself I wouldn't add to the list. But, fail. I will try again, and try hard I will. He's special to me and I don't want to lose him. In a way I promised I would be there for him no matter what and I intend to keep that promise, even if he says he doesn't need me.

Finally!

Yahoo! Was finally able to download blogger for android. Now I don't have to use my laptop just to post...I can do it using my phone. And no more posting of thoughts in FB for the whole world to see. Excited much!