Extraordinary

Feeling extraordinarily happy today. Not sure why. Kinda feels like a big weight was lifted off my shoulders when I had that convo with LG. Felt kinda offended when he said he was feeling sorry for me, because I still love him and stick by his side even if I know everything about him. But what I said is true. I love him and I accept everything about him. I know he hides the truth or chooses what to tell me, because he doesnt want me to get hurt. I know he loves me too...but wont give us a chance because of a lot of stuff. Apart from thinking he doesnt deserve me (maybe?) I know he doesnt want to be controlled and I can be like that. I know it would take quite some time before I can change that. Plus, I guess I sealed my fate when I decided to be his boss...thats fine I guess. As much as I want to be with him, hear him openly tell me he loves me...it's just probably not the right time. He's still mending a broken heart and I know he just wants to have fun to get over it. And I know he's still lost too...looking for something we both dont know. I dont even know if I have what he's looking for. Although I do want to share the rest of my life with him. I will let him be...I dont think I fit his definition of fun and  carefree anyway. Plus he might be sawa already of me, we're together 5 days a week anyway. Although it would be nice to go out on a date with him. Haha! 

I think I passed a test this weekend. I didnt stress over where he went and who he was with last Saturday. And I'm not stressing over tonight as well. He said he wasnt gonna push through with going out with Ja..for what reasons I dunno. Whether it's true or not..whether they still communicate or not...I wont stress over it. Ja has blocked me entirely and doesnt respond...so I know she's keeping something from me. A betrayal from a friend, for the first time. Anyway, thats between me and her. Only time will tell what the future holds for me and LG. Our friendship is something I hold precious, and I will be here for him whenever he falls to help him get back up again. I just hope he remembers to be selfish enough to keep me and not push me away because it's unfair for me. Just let me be, let me love him and take care of him in whatever way I can. Be his bitch and hold him when he needs company. This is the first time I've felt this way for anyone..he may go astray, look the other way and be with other girls but I'll be sure I'll be here for him when no one else will be.

What are we right now? Friends, best friends, close friends. People who'd find out what's going on may say we're complicated but I dont see it that way. We love each other and our friendship is precious to us. It would only be complicated if we assume, expect more than what we have.

Yes. Thats how much I love him. And I will enjoy every minute I have with him. No expectations, no assumptions. Coz when you love someone, you accept them as they are. And you dont control them.

Friends again

We're speaking to each other again. Damn, I really missed him. Missed seeing him smile, hugging him, talking to him. Hayy...it's everything about him. I think we both agree it's best to avoid complications and that means we behave. I'm fine with that, I dont wanna end up being aning and selosa then we fight all over again.

He's my best friend. I love him so much but we're not together. He's free to do as he pleases, court anyone, go out and do whatever. No matter who it is. I won't react, thats his life. I'll just be here for him. Same way he would be if I ever go through the same thing. I know he's still thinking about stuff..and I'll just be here to hold his hand as he finds his way.

The Guitar Man

The guitar man played a final act to a grand performance...was everything a performance? Did he feel trapped in our relationship that was full of complications? I may be overthinking and I do hope I am. I felt he cared...but things were just too complicated for him I guess.

I miss him...miss talking to him. Have a lot of questions I dunno if I'll even get answers.

Forgiveness

I forgive the guy who broke my heart but not the girl who stole him away.

I hope one day he realizes...I'm the girl who wont give up on him and that I love him so much.

Letting things be

I was reminded of our convo last week, when he said he'll just make my assumption a reality. And since J doesnt stop communicating with him, I have a feeling it's gonna happen. A part of me says he said it out of hatred but a part of me says he means it. I'm gonna go crazy thinking about it but I should let things be. This is my fault anyway, I pushed him too far.

Maybe he did like her and they were close, but not as close as I thought them to be. Whatever happens between them is something I will never know. And something I will try my best not to think about.  I'll just hold on to the thought that if we're meant to be, we'll find our way back to each other again. I'll still be around anyway, still here to show him I care. Eventually I'll stop making him kulit when it's outside work but it wont mean I stopped caring. I'm just giving him the freedom he wants from me.

But I really do hope things go back to how they were before....minus the complications.

Complication

He said it was the best solution. That we were better off without him. But the truth is they're better off without me. He shunned me away but maintains the communication with J. Gives me the feeling I've been replaced. He did say he was a Scorpio...and they do get along well. She knows him quite well based on what I've shared..and I know she'll use those to her advantage.

I wanna scream and shout but I will shut up. If this is the price I pay for my stupidity...then so be it. But it wont stop me from caring. I'll just be here when he needs me..

How

How do I move on when I can't let go? Filled with regret for doing something so rash, for hurting the one I love. How do you continue with your life when the person who's been a big part of your life has shunned you away? Made a decision he'll stick to.. How do I act towards him, knowing he thinks I manipulate him through emotions? Like everything I do may be misinterpreted. One thing for sure, I will continue to love and care for him as before. And try not to let him see how much it hurts.

Work helps me not think about it. Seeing him at work and talking to him gives me temporary happiness. For when work is done, he doesnt know me anymore. I used to be his closest friend, he said. And it hurts so much.

I know someday he'll see this..and this is not meant to manipulate. He knows am hurting and if I could turn back time I would. But I cant. And I dont know what to do next anymore. All I know is that my heart aches so much...we werent a couple but what we had was even better than a relationship. All that gone now, because of me.

I wont give up on him, I'll continue loving him as before. Maybe someday he can forgive me and we'll be friends again. When that time comes I'll make sure I've changed. And that there won't be complications anymore. For now I'll let him enjoy his life, without me controlling him, as he says. I miss him so much but I have to stop myself from making him kulit, I dont want him to hate me more.

And my mind goes back to...how do I continue on? How do I live without him in my life?

It's me

Ok, so the convo with LG is making me think I have a really big prob. And naubos na patience nya. Hay. This is depressing. It would take a lot to melt his heart.  Bahala na. If this doesnt work out later on then I'll have to accept it.

For now I'll let him be. Carefree. I won't see him for 4 days. I'll miss him but I won't make kulit that much. Hope he'll remember to take care of himself whe  he's out counting bottles.

Down to two

Read through viber messages again. And this hit me like a wrecking ball.

If she really cared, she would have walked away. She already knew there was a possibility. And she was starting to care for him as a friend...a special friend. She should have stopped. Because she knows how I feel. I know he cares, that's why he turned his back. So my friendship with her wont be affected.

This is a mess but him turning his back on me isn't the solution. Just needs to see, a friend I thought I had wasn't the friend she says she is to me.  Have no idea what she's told him but an ulterior motive in encouraging me to let go is seen. For as soon as I said I let go, the answer to my question was a yes. She really thought I could? After all those times I tried and failed? I doubt that.

But, he has made his decision. And he deserves a break from me and her. I can just imagine. She's like me, persistent but a sly fox. I'll just respect his decision, wait and see what happens.

Turns out am thankful for what happened after all. I may have lost him now but I saw who my true friends are. And I'm done with her.

Now all I have left are P and M. Still hoping LG is one of them again.

Gone too soon

I lost a smoking buddy, coffee buddy, confidant, stressball, partner in crime, my superman, drinking buddy, a best friend, the love of my life. The person always with me wherever I go, except when we go home to our houses. The person always there for me when I need someone, either to listen to rants, lend me a hanky, collaborate on with ideas, have fun with especially when we're feeling funky and a lot, lot more. I love him with all my heart and he may have not loved me the same way, but our friendship was something I never had before, even with my ex-bfs...something precious.

This is a huge change. All these years it's been him...I made him my world.  A lot of memories with me, both good and bad, but something I will always treasure. And I was so happy last week....some good things never last. :(

Now it's time to learn to be on my own. How? I dunno. But I respect his decision. He'll always be in my heart. And I hope that someday, we'll find our way back.

Maybe someday...

Final Act

Read his post right after I messaged him. Seems he's really made up his mind. Now all I can do is force myself to continue with life without him, no matter how difficult it may be. But I'll still be waiting for the day he learns to forgive me and we can be friends again.

From care to hate

Is this really it? He doesn't care anymore? That's what he said. I'll take it as face value. Maybe someday he'll learn to forgive me...after a few years. Haha.

Trying to make myself laugh..i miss him. I dunno how life would be without him in it. Guess I'll have to start learning to be on my own. Take it one day at a time.

Still just cant believe it. Last week he just said he couldnt bear not to have me in his life. Less than a week's time he's done with me. All because of my stupid reaction and assumption. Lesson learned. :(

He's Done

I wanna beg, make him kulit but it's not gonna help the situation. He said he's done and he looks like it. I refuse to accept it, refuse to give up. But afraid to make matters worse. The only thing I can do is let him be. And endure the pain. There's still a faint hope that things will change..but I don't know when. Tears won't come. It's numbness I feel. I feel alone, no one to talk to. Who do you talk to when your best friend walks away? It's unfair for me because of a lot of reasons...but life is unfair. He's done, so he said. I will never forget those words, his tone and his face when he said it.

Jealousy and Karma

Why is there jealousy? Born out of what? Why am I jealous? Why do I let this control me?

I figured...I'm jealous because I care too much. I'm insecure. I'm scared of getting hurt and I dont trust.

I care too much for someone who cares for me only as a friend. I was ok with what we had and I could deal with the minor attacks of jealousy. But I guess seeing the signs of a friendship with a close friend scared me. I couldnt deal with another heartbreak. I didnt want to go through what I went through with royalty anymore. He never said he loves me the same way, never made me feel what we felt was the same. I know he cares and we talked about it last week. I want to believe he was sincere but alcohol was present.

It wont be long before they start playing around. I didnt want to wait until that happens so I let my jealousy take over. Made a tough decision which I dunno I could stick to. My mind's a mess. J was right, I should have stopped this when royalty arrived. But no, I still stayed and loved. Convinced myself that I was content with what he could give. All along, inside me, I was wishing he'd look my way.

I feel it's too late now. Feel I've pushed him and he wont give our friendship a chance. I'll let it be for now I guess, we need time away. I need time away and think hard.

This is karma once again. What I did when we first started. Played around and hurt M. She was his closest friend at that time. And us playing around put complications I guess and he turned his back on their friendship.

This is my fault. I hurt him once again. Controlled him. Destroyed what we have. Should I have just waited until the inevitable happens? Or did I make the right decision? I guess we will never know.

All I know is that I feel empty. Numb. Sad. My heart is heavy. Broken. Feels like I broke up with someone. I lost a best friend. And I dont know if I'm getting him back.

I wish I could just disappear.

Mixed Emotions

I decided to let go and move on, knowing it was going to be the biggest challenge I would face. This is the first time I decided to do so, not because I'm tired but because I want to avoid getting hurt. But LG took it differently and decided to shun away from everything that complicates his life. That was me. For him, I complicate his life. I guess he doesn't get why his friendship with J would hurt. I get that. We're not a couple, what we have is no strings attached. But it doesn't mean I don't love him and wish we were a couple, that it was only me.

It hurt because I know where the relationship is going. And it just showed me that I am just truly a friend he cares for. So a friend I need to be. Sacrifice my love, let it go so that when it happens or he finds someone else, it wouldnt hurt anymore.

He wants to live his life carefree, no one telling him what to do. No one controlling him, aka me. Who wants to be controlled? No one. And I guess my actions make him feel that way. Why? Because he doesnt want me to get hurt hence he has to end what he has with J? Add the fact we're not a couple. Guess if I were in his shoes I'd feel controlled too. But I already decided, took the risk of letting go. Or trying, I should say.

I'm having mixed emotions. I want to talk to him and save the friendship...but also thinking maybe it's better this way. Would be easier for me to move on and he wouldnt feel controlled anymore. Funny thing, my heart says something else. It doesnt want to. Am thinking I cant remain friends with him while I m like this, when my mind and heart are fighting over the deciaion I've made. Besides, we'd fight again or go through this again because he'd still be friends with J or meet someone else.

Guess it hurt more that it was J. And J's starting to care for him already. She wont say anything so that I wont get hurt, but I know. I guess he's a special friend to her...and probably the feeling's mutual.

Common sense tells me to think it over, not bug him and just deal with work. Rekindle the friendship when I'm over him already, so that I dont hurt him anymore. I dont know. I'm in limbo. I need clarity, I'll think through it again.

Another Decision

Somone made a decision too today. To shun away from the complicated life he was living. But that meant me. I complicate his life. I know he feels I'm controlling hin thus making his life complicated. :(

I hope he understands why I get hurt. Am not just a friend, I'm someone who loves him so much. That's why I decided to let go...so that it wouldn't hurt anymore and there wouldn't be complications. But it seems he decided to let go too...of everything that complicates his life. And that includes me, our friendship.

The tears are now here. Because this is goodbye. :(

Random Thought..

I bet it would be a nice feeling to have someone love me. Feel his love. Hear those three words...and tell me I'm the best thing that happened to him.

Wonder if that would happen? Doesnt seem that it was meant for me. Guess I'm destined to be alone... :(

No Matter

Saw this on a friend's wall and it struck me like lightning. Ouch. Like knowing you're not good enough for that person to want to change bad ways for you.