Deja Vu

Same thing, same reasons. No time for it when all that was needed was an occassional msg of lambing. I dont get it. But I guess it's just not meant to be. I'm scared of going through the same heartache all over again, just because I didnt accept things and move on. My mind and heart's in a jumble, they're fighting. I love him but I have to accept that we just can't be a couple. That we can only be best friends. I still don't know how to deal with this. If I continue what I'm doing, how am feeling...I'll be crushed when he starts dating again. I'll still be jealous, still be possessive. When it's not even right because he's not even mine anymore. I need to draw the line somewhere. I need to find or meet my own set of friends or folks to go out with. We have our own paths now...and I dont want to suffocate him anymore. But where do I draw the line? He's my drinking buddy, travel buddy. I dont even know if he still likes that am there. I cant just tag along when he gets invited, heck those folks dont even know me. It's hard to explain all these, because he wont understand. He's wrapped up in his own problems and mine are mine alone. No sense in adding more to his.

Realizations Today

Today, I realize I was holding on to something that wanted to get away. I realize that I need to let go. Because no matter what I do, we will never be on the same page.

Hurts, but I guess I needed that to wake up and face reality. I kept on thinking it was something temporary. Maybe, but my heart cant take it today. Let's see if I feel differently when I wake up.

Struggling

Here I am trying to battle what I feel. I need to stop feeling this way, feeling sorry for myself, feeling unworthy. I need to stop depending on others to make me feel I am worth something. I have always told myself that what others think of me doesn't dictate who I am. Why am I suddenly looking for appreciation and affection, when I know I am not gonna get it?

I tell myself that L doesnt affect me but in a way it does. Even if I know why he's like this now, I still get affected when my lambing is not acknowledged or returned. My gut feel is telling me there's something but then again, I may just be overthinking and scared to get hurt. This is just like what happened when I was in Panama. I should let go of all these. I wanna be happy again..without needing others to make me happy.

Sleep is the only way I've been able to escape this feeling. But I think I've had enough of sleep because it's eluding me now.

I.have.to.get.out.of.this.rut.NOW!!

Anyone?

Does anyone ever really know me? Am falling down a black hole and no one knows...I try to verbalize but then I really cant...

Something Missing

Woke up missing L so much...how things used to be between us, the things we would do..

I miss how my life used to be before. When I had my T&Q kids, when I had a family. Nowadays, I dont feel it. I feel disconnected, that am just there, it's just a regular day.

In trying to make a living, I lost my life. And my love. :-(

Patience

One thing I've learned throughout the years is extending my patience. Sometimes I fail and I've been burnt because of that. My gut feel has never failed me and I just couldn't wait to get to the bottom of it that I hurt myself in the process.

Lately I've been feeling out of sorts and though I've been trying not to, impatience ruled (together with insecurity) and this created ripples in our relationship. I know in time I will find out what's wrong, we've never been able to keep anything from each other anyway. I just hope we get out of this stronger..I feel as if our relationship's changed. Or maybe I'm overthinking. I sense restlessness and I think I will let things be, see how it turns out. A big factor that has come into play is work..we've been so focused on work that we havent had time to play.

I hope we find clarity soon..I hope we find peace of mind soon...