TGIF

Glad it's Friday, been a busy week. Looking forward to going out Sat night :-)

Scared of what may happen though. I hope everything's just for show.

When I'm Done

Will I ever be? In spite of everything I'm still here.

The Only Guy who Deserves Me

...daw. Hmmm....? Trying to figure out the logic but...what the heck. Hope he sees this! (If it really is true that he thinks he doesnt deserve me) 

Silence the Demons

Everytime I see this, cant help but think it'd be so sweet (and romantic) to have someone say this in reference to me.

Maybe someday I'll have that special someone.

I can dream right? :-)

All Work, No Love

Sometimes it's better to be all work. So that you dont feel the loneliness and remember things you should forget...not long for things or people you cant have.

Sick on a Monday

Was so sick earlier but this message made me smile...made me wish he was with me. A hug from him would make me feel better....but this unexpected message made me feel fuzzy and warm. :-)

Happy Birthday...

To the mom of my beloved LG.

I may have not met you but I know you're a great person, a wonderful mom. He loves you and misses you so much. I know you're proud of his achievements and you're watching over him in your special place up there.

To royalty who owns LG's heart.

You don't know me but we met briefly. I know you only through snippets from LG. At one time I was angry at you but later on I realize it's not your fault he loves you. I have accepted that. I hope you know you have a gem with you. Rare and precious. Please take care of him. I only wish for both of you to be happy, for him to be happy. He loves you so much, dont take him for granted.

K World Domination

So this is it. My nightmares partly becoming a reality. But I wont let it truly become a nightmare. I will fight this. I have the people to support me. I have LG.

Think positive. We can do this!

Perfect? Not!

He's got his flaws. He's an ass at times. But he makes me smile and feel special. Gives me strength and am comforted by the thought that he'll be there for me when he can be.

What can I say? He's not perfect but he's perfect for me. I just wish the odds (and the universe and him) were in my favor.

Yes, I still love him.

Obsession

You're my obsession. Cant stop thinking about you. Wishing you were mine and mine alone. But things arent that way and the pain wont go away. I said I would wait and it's so damn hard. No I wont go away, I will stay. But while you live your life with royalty, I will try to live my life on my own, without you. Because as much as I want us to be together, it cant be. Aside from royalty, there's our work setup you think of too. Lets not forget complicated you. Dont feel bad if ever I go out with someone else. I just need a distraction, a diversion. Always remember my heart is with you. And am just waiting for you.

Nightmares

The nightmares are back. And so is the pain. I'm weak to let myself be defeated by this. To let my emotions take over. I'm stronger than this, I should be.

Memories (late post)

I'm still holding on to memories of two years ago. Holding on and hoping these would be relived. Not good. I need to learn to let go of these memories and accept things as they are. He's made his choice and he seems to be happy where he's at. It's almost a year now and there's no doubting the feelings he has. I'm just a dear friend, nothing else. If it were more than that then we wouldn't be where we're at now. Situation at work is an excuse, losing the friendship too. An excuse not to pursue what is felt inside, an excuse not to trouble the waters, as troubled as they already are now. I'm still in denial that this is the harsh reality. Hoping he could see things clearly as well as me. I know I'm special and important, but not held in the same regard as he is by me.As complicated as he is,  I still love him..even if there doesnt seem to be an effort to un-complicate himself.  or maybe I dont know bec he's clammed up again.

As I write this I know I would never have the courage to let go. Because I know myself. I will hold on as long as I can, still loving him and hoping I would be allowed to be in his life. But I know too that there would come a day I'll get tired and finally think of myself.  When that time comes (after a few more years maybe), it doesnt mean that I dont love him anymore, it's just I finally learned to accept defeat.  That I finally just love him as a friend, as he loves me. I've loved him more than a friend for years already...fucked up the chance I had when we were together.  He's one of those I want to keep in my life until we grow old.  God has plans for all of us and I wonder what lies at the end of our story.

I still think of him everytime we're not together. Get hurt when I remember he's not free and with royalty. Yearn to feel his arms around me and hear his voice when I'm sad. The pain I feel in my chest has been there for so long, temporarily forgotten when we're together.  I should learn to live my life without him being in the center. Not think of him so much and not wish he was with me.

 

Randomizing

Made tambay today with LG. Food trip at the usual place. Got to talk about work and how things are. Am feeling hopeless my team would change. My fault for spoiling them rotten. Good thing I have him and B to help me out this time. I stepped back and let them handle the team. Their iron hands may just be the solution. Makes me question again if am fit for this. Having LG with me and listening to him, with his ideas and thoughts voiced out...seeing him all fired up and ready for battle...makes me inspired to just keep on going. Am positive I have the support I need to turn things around. May take time and would test our patience but we'll get there. I hope LG wont get tired and give up. Looks like its a tough challenge. My superman's gonna save me again this time. Super smile.

I enjoy having those talks with LG. Makes me wonder tho, without work, would we have something to talk about? Am boring and not much of a talker. Hmm..I really wonder.

He was a bit cold too. Maybe because he's fired up with work. Well all I wanted was a hug. Ok a few kisses too. I missed him but he wasnt in the mood when I arrived last night. Oh well. Have lots to think about work anyway. Just that I wanna make lambing and our moods didnt match. Haha. Fail. Should really suppress that already. I did say I would leave him alone. I just keep on coming back to him. What can I say...cant keep what I feel.  Just hope he didnt decide to stop whatever there was between us without telling me. But when did that stop me anyway?

Am rambling already. Have to go to sleep. But a lot of thoughts are on my mind - work, the team, LG, ops...haist.

Monday Blues on a Tuesday

I was a pretty lil thing with my special earrings
On a day he was out and now he's got a pout
I know he feels bad and it makes me sad
I hope he realizes that when I was left to my devices,
They said I was blooming but inside I was crying
Thoughts running through my head, I didnt want to get up from bed
Sick from colds and I didnt have to be told
The night was spent with royalty, as it should be
And I was jealous as hell as I could be
No right to feel that way and it had to go away
Had to have my happy thoughts and thats what it brought
Wearing them brought a smile but still I whined
Missed him and almost called him on a whim
But I had to wait and think straight
The following day I would have my way
Took a pic, didnt know it would be slick
I just wanted him to see what a sight I could be
With the gifts he gave but still his presence I crave
Am I still making sense or is this becoming nonsense?
I just want him to know the reason behind the show
He wont talk about it anymore and I feel shaken to the core
I feel there's more in his head and I will wait with dread
Until he voices out what I think it's about
Hopefully am wrong this time and I will end this attempt to rhyme

Random Stranger

So someone asked for my number today at Vikings. Some random guy who was getting food like me. Thought it would just happen to bars and at night. I was wrong. Of course I didn't give it. Haller. Although he was good looking and looked decent. And persistent. But still, you'd never know. Maybe if we see each other again I'll think about it. Yeah right, that only happens in movies. 

Makes me push for my resolution to be more girly this year. Effort but I'll try. No, not for LG or to get me some guy but for myself. I need a change. Maybe a makeover would do. And a change in attitude too. We'll see.

'Nuff said.

Anniversary

Today marks the day I had my last date with LG, exactly a year ago. The first time I wore a dress for him too. I still remember everything that happened that night, until the morning we parted.

Makes me smile. Good times. Wish I still had those. Or would still have those someday. Dates with LG have always been fun and full of anticipation. Never quite knowing what would happen after, although in a way we knew. Haha! Date nights have never been the same. Other guys are blah compared to him. Maybe coz it's always him I look for and I compare them to him.

Haist. Still stuck on LG. Still crazy for him. Still one sided feelings.

Better days

Feeling better after talking to R. Well I didnt say everything but at least am at peace when it comes to LG. I just gotta have faith that things will turn out fine. Just need to keep myself busy, need a diversion. We'll see.

I guess I still live in the past. I remember how things were the exact same time last year. The series of events that led to where we're at right now. The pain am feeling is from last year. Things have been better since then and nothing has changed recently, I think. Haha! Demmit. I allow myself to overthink and this creates problems. I should really let go of all these and let things be. Cant do anything about it anyway. His choice, not mine. It will always be.  His loss not mine. I lost him a long time ago. Ahihi.

'Nuff said.

You and Royalty

Why do I feel there's more to it? Am trying to understand and not make a big fuss out of it. Whatever the reason, I hope I get to know it someday. I will try not to overthink and be patient. I'll start keeping my distance. Try to suppress the urge to make lambing or spend time with you outside the office. Even kidnap you. Or make you landi. Am beginning to think you're regretting what we did last time. It was all my doing anyway, I started it. So I'll try to stop. It's a new year, maybe you've resolved to make things right, both of you. New year, new beginning. Everyone does that when the new year comes in. I dont want to mess things up. This month is birthday month and next month is anniversary month. I hope she knows she's lucky to have you. I hope she's changed too. If she only knew...haist! I wish you luck. That this year is better for both of you. It doesnt mean I'll stop loving you. I'll just fade into the background a bit. I'm still your closest friend.

Ikot ng mundo

Mali ka. Syo umiikot mundo ko. Mali ko din. Kasi dapat hindi. Kasi hindi naman umiikot mundo mo sken. Madaming iniikutan pero di ako kasama dun. Ni minsan hindi man lang umikot sken.

Oo masaket. Kasi ako lang nakakaramdam nito. Ako lang nagpapahalaga. Ako lang nakaka-miss. Ako lagi nag aalala. Sana minsan tanungin mo kamusta ako. Sana minsan makita mo ung lungkot sa mga mata ko.

Hirap magmahal, lalo na't di ka mahal ng mahal mo. Lalo na't hindi sha syo nakatingin at may mahal shang iba. Ayaw mo ako mawala, hindi dahil mahal mo ako pero dahil nasanay ka na anjan ako para syo. 

Hanapin mo kaya ako pag nawala ako sa buhay mo? Ayaw ko isipin pero dadating ang araw maghihiwalay ang landas natin. Alam ko malulungkot ako. Hindi lang kita makasama ng isang araw nalulungkot na ako, ano pa kaya ung habangbuhay na kita di makikita? Ikaw kaya? Maiisip mo kaya ako pagtanda mo? Ma-aalala mo pa kaya ako? Sana oo. Para kahit papano nasa isip mo ako, kahit isang alaala na lang. Kahit wala na ako.

Sa ngayon andito lang ako. Nagmamahal syo.

Sakto!

Work and matters of the heart.

Real Deal

The real deal, I wont make an appeal
This is true and it's all up to you
Figure out how you feel, make it real
Decide once and for all, take the risk or drop the ball
It may just be because of proximity
If so then it's the harsh reality
But better to know as such
Than getting confused twice as much
You say you're not happy but you're with her family
That's love I would say, but why are we this way?
Am not complaining, am just thinking
Principles are in the way and just wont go away.

Im not telling you to rush and I dont wanna make a big fuss
Im just saying we dont have eternity, not even a full century
I said I would wait, even though patience isnt my trait
I will try to do things right, suppressing urges with all my might
Karma is just around the corner, another heartbreak might just take me to the coroner

*It's fun to make words rhyme, makes what I've been doing seem less like a crime

(T)QM

Had drama again today with the Q team. Was so tempted to just give up and walk away. I know I made a lot of mistakes and I'm trying my best to make up for it. I'm not the best boss but I try to be one. Everything I do is for them, isn't it obvious? Sometimes I just get tired of all this. Just want a clean slate and start from scratch. But they're my kids and I really feel like a mom to them. Don't mothers always get taken for granted? Haha. What a way for me to accept things as they are so I won't feel so bad. Good thing I got LG and B to help me out.

It's the start of a new year. A lot of things can happen. I just hope it's all for the better.

Ramblings

Feeling so low. Drowning in my insecurities. Thinking of my numerous bad decisions and choices. How I took people for granted because I was selfish. Now I'm left with my karma. Chest hurts from all this pain. Am back to alcohol just to escape this reality. Only I cant have it at home. Struggling to rise above this on my own. If I give in to the feeling of talking to someone about this, I may just get disappointed because one day I'll be left alone again. I was never someone people would see as someone worth keeping. Or is it just me pushing people away? I guess all I've really wanted was someone who'd stay even if I push them away. Someone who could break the barriers and get to know what's in my heart and soul. But I never had the chance or gave people a chance. It was always me chasing when in reality I want to be chased. Probably not worth it, given how I am and all. Am now torn between finally figuring this out or pushing this down to the deep recesses of my soul and enjoy the temporary happiness I can find. Knowing me, I'll probably go for the 2nd option. Am a coward. Coz I can't even face my own feelings. Helping others, taking care of others feels better than taking care of myself. I shoudnt think this way, should stop. Should stick to the decision to be alone, the acceptance I'll grow old and die alone. No matter how much I want certain people to stay in my life til I grow old, something always happens and they leave. Families are supposed to stay by your side no matter what...but what if they were never on your side in the first place? If not for my baby I'd probably have ended my misery already. No one would miss me, no one needs me. Just my baby. But he'll grow up and have a life of his own.  Seems everything I've done these past few years was just so I'd get the feeling of being important, loved, needed. Instant gratification. Nothing really substantial. Even the molestation was allowed, not because I enjoyed it but because I felt needed. Sick, crazy, call it what you may. See, it's hard to face all these. People would say they understand but really? If they do, just how deep? If they did they'd see through the wall. Inside is a girl who just wants to feel that she's not alone, for real. I envy those who have families they can count on, who have their mothers are their best friends. Those who have met their prince or princess and never left their side. All of these are not meant for me. Family? Mother as best friend? Never had it. Royalty of my own? Had it but eventually got left behind. So it's me. Am the problem, established that a long time ago. But I keep on falling into the trap wherein I think I ought to give it a chance. Then get left again. I made a resolve to just give myself freely without asking for anything. Hard not to get attached to people you care for. Hard not to wish I had someone taking care of me when loneliness strikes. I keep on preaching that happiness shoud come from within. Really thought I had it. That I already faced my fears, emotions and accepted everything. It was just a temporary feeling pala. I really dont know how I'll fix this on my own. A part of me is screaming for help and the other part is saying dont. Because am scared no one would understand and would be patient enough to sort through my jumbled emotions and crazy mind. Everyone has their own problems to face, why add mine to theirs? I turn to God and pray, I always say have faith but even that is fading away. What is the major lesson I have to learn? Or maybe I know it and just dont want to face the music. Feeling empty and hopeless, just when a new year has started. Work occupies myind, keeps me busy, keeps emotions and thoughts of these at bay. Its when I'm alone that I get this. Getting worse now I think. Because am losing control and I thinm about these even when am alone at my station.  Gotta get a grip before work gets affected too. I know am stronger than this but why do I feel this way? Why am I allowing this? I feel as if whatever anchor I had has disappeared. I need help but there's no one to turn to, no one to rely on but myself.