Down Once Again

Feel tired today. Tired of fighting, of holding on. Then I'm suddenly wishing for more than what can be given. I feel as if am hurtling down a tunnel of depression once again. I wanna talk to someone but I know I won't talk at all. I'm complicated. I can understand and be patient with people I care for but no one understands me. I've stopped looking for someone who would..I only get disappointed. I guess I just want to feel appreciated..feel that I have importance in at least someone's life (or a few people)Not only me but my team. Feel that am a princess for someone. (Hate the word but can't think of a better one) When it rains, it pours. What started out as work related has branched out to personal feelings. WTH. I feel I've given too much...and didn't leave anything for myself. I stretched myself too thin once again. But how does one who hides how she feels communicate that to the rest of the world? Can't. So don't. Maybe someday someone's gonna care so much to go through me and uncover what's inside. Damn, I need to recharge. ASAP. Can't be like this tonight.

Alone

Worst feeling one could ever have. Surrounded by people physically but still feeling alone because no one knows you. And you call them family and friends.

Makes me wish I could just fade away. Disappear. Maybe they'll appreciate me when I'm gone. Maybe they'll realize how important I am when I'm gone.

People only realize the value of someone when they're gone. Sad but true.

Royalty and Me

I know LG still loves her, he said so. And I know he loves me too. Different levels, he says. I know too she's a level or two higher than me. With how they are now, I wont be surprised if they'd be back together someday.  I just hope if they do, she's worth it. I dont want LG to go through the same thing months after.

I understand how royalty feels. She loves him and she's hoping they'll be back together. And them being friends still continues to give her hope that they would. But I hope she truly does love and understand him. I feel LG's not ready to let go and I hope too if he accepts her back in his life, he learned from what happened in the past.

What's between me and LG, I dont really know. All I know is I'll always feel this way for him. Only time can tell what the future holds...anything can change in a minute, an hour, a day, a week or a month. I read through previous conversations between me and LG. And things between us have evolved since we met each other years ago, since we had the huge fight weeks ago.

He's still confused. And I know this is why I wont get what I wish for. As long as he's like that, we wont have the happy ever after we want...the happy ever after I want with him. Patience has never been a strong trait of mine, but I'm learning to be patient with him. Because it's him I want to be with, because I love him. Although sometimes I think I may be fooling myself. Someday everything will make sense. And if it doesnt turn out ok, I'll learn to shrug it off and charge to experience.

Royalty. She will always be a threat to me. Like M. And J. LOL!

Down and Out (late post)

Feeling down and out today
Him and I are not okay
An honest mistake committed
Differently was how it was interpreted

It was a blow to his ego
Didn't want to leave but had to go
Now I dont know what to do
Except show him my love is true

He doesn't believe I dont remember
I just know I was deep in slumber
Hurts for him to think I'd lie
When before I'd do that I'd rather die

Someday we'll be fine
I'll just give it time
He needs to cool down
Cant force myself when he's in a frown

Drunken Moments

Had a nice adventure last night. Went to LG's place on my own, commute. An achievement for me, considering it's my first time and I just relied on instincts and what I remembered from the last time I went home with him.

I've always liked drinking at someone else's house. Makes me more comfortable, but makes me drink more. I especially like drinking at LG's place. We're both more comfortable and relaxed and the conversations are easy. We dont talk about work too. Un nga lang, he gets tipsy easily and I was actually drunk last night.

I guess I wanted to be drunk, in a way. At some point we started talking about J. We talked about us again. We've done a lot of talking in the two times we drank at his place actually. More than the times we've been drinking outside. I guess it's good for us, I know it is for me. I get to know what his thoughts are, although I'm not sure if he remembers our conversations. We also get to talk about random stuff too. Something we havent done in a while.  But being drunk wasnt ok last night. I really wanted him but I slept like a baby. I could sense he felt bad and I wanted to make it up to him, stay longer...but I had to go. Darn responsibilities. :( sometime this week I will make it up to him...

I hope things between us are always like this, easy and not complicated. He is my best friend and I love him so much. We both want different things - I want commitment and he cant give that. A relationship wont work right now, because he wants to be free yet he loves me. I know he does and I know that even if he meets someone else or sleeps with someone else, I'm still in his heart. But am not the only one in his heart, I'm sharing it with royalty. Hay. Never knew it was possible but he says it is.  I know that deep in my heart, I wish he would settle with me and me alone. Maybe someday.

He said he wanted to sleep with J but was scared. Scared that I'd get hurt. Heck, I'd get hurt if he sleeps with someone else but I'd understand. He's a guy. But sleeping with J? I dunno. I'd be mad at her not him. Am scared too that if he does, she might expect something...unless he wants a relationship with her. Bahala na. It's his choice anyway.  I just hope it doesnt complicate his life anymore than I do. Although am really trying not to do that anymore.

I hope my going there doesnt cause problems between LG and his family. I dont want to be a cause of further rifts between them. I know he wont tell me...but I'll find out eventually.

Hay. LG. My best friend. Love of my life. Probably even my soulmate. I wanna grow old with him, doesnt matter what we are...I just want him in my life forever.

Sly Fox

Saw the sly fox this morning at the office and got the shock of my life. Never expected to see her this soon. And didnt expect my reaction too. I was shaking because of anger. I realize I havent even started forgiving her for what she did. No, LG doesnt have any fault here. He was just being himself. But her? Betrayal at an all time high. I dont think I could ever forgive her.

I know they're still friends. Probably still go out and communicate from time to time. What LG does with her is something I wont bother myself with, thats his life and I promised I wont make pakialam. He knows how I feel and I leave it up to him. I know him and I know I would understand whatever he decides to do. What she does to him is something I would want to know. Argh. I really hate her now. Am even thinking now if she would have approached him if I wasnt there. Maybe I should have not gone down to smoke, then I probably wouldnt have seen her and remember everything.

Irritating

Irritating that he'd think I'd entertain another guy and even tell him about it. Another thing that irritates me is that he reacts that way then ignores me. Well he is asleep.  Add the fact that I'm bothered he reacted that way. Naman eh.

Jekyll and Hyde part 2

Got a taste of J&H again today. He wasnt in the mood for anything and I could sense it. Felt like kissing and hugging a statue.  I got carried away and later on I realize how shameful that was. Plus a lot of other things going on in my mind. I realized I sounded like I was imposing and making kulit. Demmit. Almost forgot my place. Surprisingly I dont feel bad because plans didnt materialize. But I feel bad bout the way I acted. Felt cheap. Not his fault, I know he has his own plans and he's not in the mood. But I admit, it makes me think if he regrets having me over. I remember our conversation the other day. I gotta stop initiating stuff. I was surprised to find out he was intimidated by my personality, that am too strong for him. Never saw it that way. In fact I've always thought he had a stronger personality than me. I did tell him he has to start telling me what he wants coz I suck at reading signals. I hope he remembers what we talked about too. But then again he was tipsy. Haist.

I did say no complications and I will force these thoughts out of my head. I wont act on my whims anymore and I'll just wait for him to make the first move. Hard but I'll do my best. :-)

I still feel we're being careful with each other. How do we get past that? I dunno. Maybe only time will tell. I wont force it. Someday everything will make sense. For now I'll just laugh at everything and take things one day at a time. I havent lost my best friend anyway. And thats enough for me.

Jekyll and Hyde

I love my best friend who's a Jekyll and Hyde. I know I love him because I understand why he's like that. Or I think I do. I dont want to assume but that's how I read him. Some days I find it an endearing trait of his, some days frustrating. Like yesterday. He's hot and cold. I know he doesnt want to talk about what we have, the pain of what I had him go through a couple of weeks ago is still fresh. What we have is complicated, I guess we both just dont want to bring out in the open the complications. What complications exactly, that I dont know. I'm slowly learning not to be clingy to him, letting him be. Yes I think of where he goes during weekends, who he's with, if he met someone new...but the aning is not as strong as before.

When he didnt respond to my text this morning and instead replied thru group chat in Viber, I reacted negatively. But then later on it got me thinking. He doesnt make patol my lambing texts anymore...maybe coz of the complications. No I havent lost him completely, I still feel he cares.  Sometimes I feel he has his internal struggles when it comes to me and he doesnt want to dwell on it. I dont wanna bring it up because he's still mending his broken heart. He doesnt need the additional burden from me.

We're both not ready to talk about us. Maybe someday we can freely talk about it. Although I dont think there is anything to talk about anymore. I'm ok with how things are now. It's like having a pseudo boyfriend when we're together. Then being single when we're not together. Works for me I guess. There isnt anyone else I'd go to sleep with anyway but him. :-)  A relationship with him right now wouldnt work, not until he's sure of how he feels and what he wants...that who he wants to be with is me. And I dont want him to feel bad, I dont want him always thinking about how I feel. I just want him to enjoy life. I miss the days we can freely talk about anything. Sometimes I feel we're both being careful with each other.

He's my best friend and I love him with all my heart. I know for sure that I would drop everything if he needs me, as I always do. I hope he knows that. For now I will stick with my decision to let him be, let him live his life the way he wants it. I'm just scared he'll get hurt again..I hope it doesnt happen. If it does, I'll just be here to help him get up.  And I hope he doesnt give up on life.

Maybe someday we'll be together...maybe it's meant to be, maybe it's not. We never really know what's gonna happen. But best friends dont turn their backs on each other, and that's what we are. That's who I am to him now...for as long as we can be.  

I love you LG. 

Weekend Getaway

Had a wonderful time over the weekend. Enjoyed the trip with the cast. What made it even more special was that the two important boys in my life were with me. It was definitely a trip I wont forget. :-)  

Next stop, Marinduque! This time it's just gonna be me and LG. Excited to explore the place with him.  :)