Memories and Realizations

After the boring xmas party, we went to grab a bite and a few drinks at Metrowalk. Wrong move. It brought back memories of LG. I still clearly remember the circumstances and feelings on that day. The excitement I felt because he was joining us for the first time. The disappointment because he had friends with him. The sadness I felt when he had to leave with his friends. And yes, I missed him that night. Then my kilig when he said he missed me that night. Then this morning I heard "somewhere over the rainbow"(I think that's the title) and remembered him playing that with the ukelele he used to bring to the office. Funny how I could still remember after all these years.

I started thinking about him again. I remembered the good and bad times we've had together ever since. And everything that's been said and written this weekend. He's right, in a lot of things.

I've known it ever since, I am at the losing end. But just because he can't or won't reciprocate what I feel. I accepted it, because it didn't matter anymore. As long as I could see him, talk to him, take care of him, love him, I'm fine. I made a choice to stick by his side as his closest friend, as I began to understand more as time passed by. Being close to him as I am now, that doesn't make me at the losing end. Very few people have the privilege of knowing the real LG and I feel special just like that.

Do we have fun? Yes. Are we happy? I am, not sure about him. I'd like to think he is. Because that's all I want anyway, to make him happy. Will this last? I would like this to. But as I said, it takes two to tango and we both have to work to make this last - whether we're just friends or "together". For the past few weeks (or months already I think) we've been getting along so well and I attributed it to both of us accepting each other's faults and adjusting, without us knowing it.

Is what I feel real? Yes, I have thought about this several times and have been surprised as well that I have learned to love someone unconditionally, for this long. Me, who was a selfish biatch, thinking only of herself when in a relationship. People do change when they love someone. Is he worth it? Yes. Him and everything that has happened with him involved. When we played around and I got hurt, it was worth it because it started the friendship between us. When we became a couple until we broke up, it was worth it because it taught me a lot of things. Staying with him, being his friend, getting my heart broken several times and getting hurt until now -- all worth it because they all have lessons for me. They've helped me become stronger and understand him more. And they haven't changed how I feel about him. I still feel the same, I love him. So much.

How do I say that I do love him and this isn't just infatuation? I thought of that too...Yes I think of him all the time - when I see dark chocolate, something orange, a beetle, Zippo, ukelele, pilipit, Oishi popcorn, chippy, anything with peanut butter (anything that i know he likes) - I am reminded of him; when I see something new, I always think if he would want to try it too; when I buy something I always make sure to get one for him too. I worry when it rains and I know he's on his way to work; when it's time to eat and we're not at the office, I wonder if he had his fill already; when we're in the office I find time for him in any way I can and I make sure we eat daily because I know that's the only chance he'll get to eat; when he shows signs of getting sick, I fret and fuss (but not too much because he'll get mad); when I know he lacks sleep, I get share my cofi because I know he needs it; I share my resources when I know he's running low, even if he doesn't say it; I offer my company when I can when it's too early to go home and he's waiting for royalty; when I prepare lunch, I find myself thinking if he would like it and wish he was nearby so I could have him come over..and it can go on and on. Most of the time I find myself thinking of him first...all with just one goal: take care of him and make him smile, make his life easier, better..even for just a few hours. If royalty's his obsession, then LG is my obsession. Seeing him smile and happy makes me happy too.

Then why was I reacting that way? Knee jerk reaction, I guess.I was hurt when he said my presence in his life wasn't important because it was just temporary. Hurt because I felt unappreciated. Hurt because I never meant me to be temporary. I meant it when I said I'm his friend, one who wouldn't give up on him. That even if everyone else leaves, I'd still be with him. Then his indifferent reaction to my lambing. I would have preferred him making dedma than replying that way.

Now I understand why he's been acting that way. He's right again, all is temporary. I said things can be made permanent but then again, death can claim anyone anytime and then they're gone - that's not permanent is it? I'm sorry I made patol his mood when I shouldn't have...I should have picked up on something else behind the biting remarks and blog posts. I dwelled on the thinking that he was letting me go, that he was gonna be cold and indifferent, as he was already displaying since Saturday. I was afraid of facing him today, because I didn't know how much of a change there would be in our relationship, when everything was going well.

But now I know better. And it took memories of him and a lot of thinking to get to where I'm at right now. I know and understand he's going through something which made him say/do all those. I know he fears being "benched" (as he said) if the time comes that I meet my prince. It doesn't matter so much anymore if it's because he loves me or just because he doesn't to feel that. I would like to assume it's because he does but it contradicts what he feels about royalty. I don't want to assume anymore or try to get an answer out of him. He's still lost, trying to figure things out. I'll wait til the time comes he figures it out, accepts it and tells me what I mean to him.

I told him that I hope he fully realizes what he said...that he controls what he feels and does...He has the power to be happy, to end whatever it is that makes him miserable. He just has to figure things out and make some choices. Where do I fit in the picture? True, he already decided that we can't be together, that it won't work, that he's not worthy and he's hurt me too much. I'm not in a rush, I can wait until he's ready. I will let fate decide. All I want now is for him to be happy, without sacrificing what we have now. Am I being selfish? I dunno. All I know is he keeps on thinking of something that I know won't happen and that causes his misery, in a way. If he'll just let things be between us...he'll know in time that all his fears were uncalled for.

I'll be seeing him tonight and I'm both excited and scared. Excited because I miss him. Scared because he might reject me and my paglalambing. But that won't stop me..I love the guy and I want to tell him, show him I do. I'll be damned if his attitude will stop me from doing that. It never stopped me before, why start now?

Too many thoughts and ramblings on a Monday morning. I greeted him but no reply...I hope he's still asleep. If not, then it's fine..just want him to know he was the first one I thought of when I woke up.  eh he's awake na pala..saw him making comments in FB. oh well.  Not in the mood still.

I love you LG.

'Nuff said.