Jealousy and Karma

Why is there jealousy? Born out of what? Why am I jealous? Why do I let this control me?

I figured...I'm jealous because I care too much. I'm insecure. I'm scared of getting hurt and I dont trust.

I care too much for someone who cares for me only as a friend. I was ok with what we had and I could deal with the minor attacks of jealousy. But I guess seeing the signs of a friendship with a close friend scared me. I couldnt deal with another heartbreak. I didnt want to go through what I went through with royalty anymore. He never said he loves me the same way, never made me feel what we felt was the same. I know he cares and we talked about it last week. I want to believe he was sincere but alcohol was present.

It wont be long before they start playing around. I didnt want to wait until that happens so I let my jealousy take over. Made a tough decision which I dunno I could stick to. My mind's a mess. J was right, I should have stopped this when royalty arrived. But no, I still stayed and loved. Convinced myself that I was content with what he could give. All along, inside me, I was wishing he'd look my way.

I feel it's too late now. Feel I've pushed him and he wont give our friendship a chance. I'll let it be for now I guess, we need time away. I need time away and think hard.

This is karma once again. What I did when we first started. Played around and hurt M. She was his closest friend at that time. And us playing around put complications I guess and he turned his back on their friendship.

This is my fault. I hurt him once again. Controlled him. Destroyed what we have. Should I have just waited until the inevitable happens? Or did I make the right decision? I guess we will never know.

All I know is that I feel empty. Numb. Sad. My heart is heavy. Broken. Feels like I broke up with someone. I lost a best friend. And I dont know if I'm getting him back.

I wish I could just disappear.