Numb

This is the first time I'm feeling this pain...actually it's not pain..I feel numb. Numb? Why?  There's nothing more heartbreaking than finding out that the person you love the most has found someone who makes him happy, completes him and wants to spend the rest of his life with...but it's not you.  Tears would probably make me feel better but they just won't come at all.

All this time I had thought he wasn't ready to have a relationship..he wasn't the type who would commit. Everytime we'd talk that's what he'd say...Apparently, he just didn't find the girl who was worth it.  All this time I was hoping he'd see I was the one...I hoped too much.  It's just not meant to be...The signs have been there..I just ignored them. He's a liar, an ass, his mood swings drive me crazy but I held on because I love him.  I've been open with my feelings for him...flirted...practically threw myself at him and offered everything to him. Just because I love him.

Now I know he has found his happiness...and he has found her since a few months ago.  I feel ashamed for the way I have behaved.  I blame him for not telling me to stop because he's in a relationship..but who's really at fault here? Me. Because I should have never done what I did. I should have just kept my feelings to myself and just became a friend. Should have just continued to love him silently and take care of him.

I still love him. And would still do anything for him. But I know I have to love myself more. Enough of the lies and pretensions.  He's my closest friend, my most trusted one. I will still be friends with him but no more talk of how I feel for him. I'll just continue to love him from within and be the good friend that I can be.  I am happy in a way..jealous and bitter at the same time. But then again, maybe it just wasn't meant to be at all.  We were together for a short while a few months back and it didn't work out. Hell,  it didn't even last 6 months. I think he stopped telling me he loved me on our 2nd or 3rd month.  It was always me who loved him...right from the very first time I saw him I knew I liked him and made the moves to get to know him more. Played around and got hurt (he lied at that time) but forgave him and became friends with him again.  Can I do it again this time? Can I be friends with him knowing he's been lying again? Even if I know it's his nature, I always hoped and prayed he'd stop lying to me - because I was important to him.  Now it seems it's never gonna to happen AND I'm not important to him. A part of me doesn't want to let go because I know someday he'll change. But a part of me wants to..before I end up getting hurt again.

Maybe I need time away from him, time to heal. There's no way I can avoid talking to him since we work together but I can still be away.  I just have to stop myself.

Lord I know my intentions for leaving are selfish..but please understand. If You intend for me to learn from this and be a better person, then Thy will be done.