Memories (late post)

I'm still holding on to memories of two years ago. Holding on and hoping these would be relived. Not good. I need to learn to let go of these memories and accept things as they are. He's made his choice and he seems to be happy where he's at. It's almost a year now and there's no doubting the feelings he has. I'm just a dear friend, nothing else. If it were more than that then we wouldn't be where we're at now. Situation at work is an excuse, losing the friendship too. An excuse not to pursue what is felt inside, an excuse not to trouble the waters, as troubled as they already are now. I'm still in denial that this is the harsh reality. Hoping he could see things clearly as well as me. I know I'm special and important, but not held in the same regard as he is by me.As complicated as he is,  I still love him..even if there doesnt seem to be an effort to un-complicate himself.  or maybe I dont know bec he's clammed up again.

As I write this I know I would never have the courage to let go. Because I know myself. I will hold on as long as I can, still loving him and hoping I would be allowed to be in his life. But I know too that there would come a day I'll get tired and finally think of myself.  When that time comes (after a few more years maybe), it doesnt mean that I dont love him anymore, it's just I finally learned to accept defeat.  That I finally just love him as a friend, as he loves me. I've loved him more than a friend for years already...fucked up the chance I had when we were together.  He's one of those I want to keep in my life until we grow old.  God has plans for all of us and I wonder what lies at the end of our story.

I still think of him everytime we're not together. Get hurt when I remember he's not free and with royalty. Yearn to feel his arms around me and hear his voice when I'm sad. The pain I feel in my chest has been there for so long, temporarily forgotten when we're together.  I should learn to live my life without him being in the center. Not think of him so much and not wish he was with me.