Ramblings

Feeling so low. Drowning in my insecurities. Thinking of my numerous bad decisions and choices. How I took people for granted because I was selfish. Now I'm left with my karma. Chest hurts from all this pain. Am back to alcohol just to escape this reality. Only I cant have it at home. Struggling to rise above this on my own. If I give in to the feeling of talking to someone about this, I may just get disappointed because one day I'll be left alone again. I was never someone people would see as someone worth keeping. Or is it just me pushing people away? I guess all I've really wanted was someone who'd stay even if I push them away. Someone who could break the barriers and get to know what's in my heart and soul. But I never had the chance or gave people a chance. It was always me chasing when in reality I want to be chased. Probably not worth it, given how I am and all. Am now torn between finally figuring this out or pushing this down to the deep recesses of my soul and enjoy the temporary happiness I can find. Knowing me, I'll probably go for the 2nd option. Am a coward. Coz I can't even face my own feelings. Helping others, taking care of others feels better than taking care of myself. I shoudnt think this way, should stop. Should stick to the decision to be alone, the acceptance I'll grow old and die alone. No matter how much I want certain people to stay in my life til I grow old, something always happens and they leave. Families are supposed to stay by your side no matter what...but what if they were never on your side in the first place? If not for my baby I'd probably have ended my misery already. No one would miss me, no one needs me. Just my baby. But he'll grow up and have a life of his own.  Seems everything I've done these past few years was just so I'd get the feeling of being important, loved, needed. Instant gratification. Nothing really substantial. Even the molestation was allowed, not because I enjoyed it but because I felt needed. Sick, crazy, call it what you may. See, it's hard to face all these. People would say they understand but really? If they do, just how deep? If they did they'd see through the wall. Inside is a girl who just wants to feel that she's not alone, for real. I envy those who have families they can count on, who have their mothers are their best friends. Those who have met their prince or princess and never left their side. All of these are not meant for me. Family? Mother as best friend? Never had it. Royalty of my own? Had it but eventually got left behind. So it's me. Am the problem, established that a long time ago. But I keep on falling into the trap wherein I think I ought to give it a chance. Then get left again. I made a resolve to just give myself freely without asking for anything. Hard not to get attached to people you care for. Hard not to wish I had someone taking care of me when loneliness strikes. I keep on preaching that happiness shoud come from within. Really thought I had it. That I already faced my fears, emotions and accepted everything. It was just a temporary feeling pala. I really dont know how I'll fix this on my own. A part of me is screaming for help and the other part is saying dont. Because am scared no one would understand and would be patient enough to sort through my jumbled emotions and crazy mind. Everyone has their own problems to face, why add mine to theirs? I turn to God and pray, I always say have faith but even that is fading away. What is the major lesson I have to learn? Or maybe I know it and just dont want to face the music. Feeling empty and hopeless, just when a new year has started. Work occupies myind, keeps me busy, keeps emotions and thoughts of these at bay. Its when I'm alone that I get this. Getting worse now I think. Because am losing control and I thinm about these even when am alone at my station.  Gotta get a grip before work gets affected too. I know am stronger than this but why do I feel this way? Why am I allowing this? I feel as if whatever anchor I had has disappeared. I need help but there's no one to turn to, no one to rely on but myself.