Jekyll and Hyde

I love my best friend who's a Jekyll and Hyde. I know I love him because I understand why he's like that. Or I think I do. I dont want to assume but that's how I read him. Some days I find it an endearing trait of his, some days frustrating. Like yesterday. He's hot and cold. I know he doesnt want to talk about what we have, the pain of what I had him go through a couple of weeks ago is still fresh. What we have is complicated, I guess we both just dont want to bring out in the open the complications. What complications exactly, that I dont know. I'm slowly learning not to be clingy to him, letting him be. Yes I think of where he goes during weekends, who he's with, if he met someone new...but the aning is not as strong as before.

When he didnt respond to my text this morning and instead replied thru group chat in Viber, I reacted negatively. But then later on it got me thinking. He doesnt make patol my lambing texts anymore...maybe coz of the complications. No I havent lost him completely, I still feel he cares.  Sometimes I feel he has his internal struggles when it comes to me and he doesnt want to dwell on it. I dont wanna bring it up because he's still mending his broken heart. He doesnt need the additional burden from me.

We're both not ready to talk about us. Maybe someday we can freely talk about it. Although I dont think there is anything to talk about anymore. I'm ok with how things are now. It's like having a pseudo boyfriend when we're together. Then being single when we're not together. Works for me I guess. There isnt anyone else I'd go to sleep with anyway but him. :-)  A relationship with him right now wouldnt work, not until he's sure of how he feels and what he wants...that who he wants to be with is me. And I dont want him to feel bad, I dont want him always thinking about how I feel. I just want him to enjoy life. I miss the days we can freely talk about anything. Sometimes I feel we're both being careful with each other.

He's my best friend and I love him with all my heart. I know for sure that I would drop everything if he needs me, as I always do. I hope he knows that. For now I will stick with my decision to let him be, let him live his life the way he wants it. I'm just scared he'll get hurt again..I hope it doesnt happen. If it does, I'll just be here to help him get up.  And I hope he doesnt give up on life.

Maybe someday we'll be together...maybe it's meant to be, maybe it's not. We never really know what's gonna happen. But best friends dont turn their backs on each other, and that's what we are. That's who I am to him now...for as long as we can be.  

I love you LG.