Why???

Tossing and turning in bed. Waking up almost every hour from dreams filled with LG. I still go back to one question: why the hell did I do it? What was I thinking? Was I that drunk not to exercise self control? But no matter how many times I ask myself, it still wont bring back what I've lost. My heart refuses to accept reality...that I've lost him and things wont be the same. My mind tells me to accept it and move on, for the sake of my sanity. But memories are there and they hurt. Last night I was thinking...if we were still ok I would have probably been with him. That was the only place I wanted to be last night. Made me change my mind about going out and drinking.

Why did it happen? Is it meant to be? I know it's to teach me a lesson...but the price I pay...losing the one person I truly wanna be with til I grow old. After everything I endured just to be with him..just for him to be in my life...I threw it all away with that choice I made. Yes, a choice because it's not an accident. I may havr not been thinking straight but there's no other explanation. If only I had a time machine...I would go back to that night and not touch his phone.

I know God has plans for everyone and there's a reason things happen but what are they? LG doesnt deserve this...he doesnt deserve to be hurt by me...I made a promise and I broke it. I'm fucked up. A mess. He doesnt deserve me. He deserves better. I'm not good enough for him..but my heart says I can be..if given another chance. But how many chances will be given before I truly become the one for him?

I need to accept this...even if it's so hard. He's been a part of my life for so long and I want him to be in my life..but why did I do it? Lord please give me clarity...I think i'm gonna lose my sanity...