Need to give my heart a rest. And LG too. We've been fighting a lot lately, seems the distance between us is growing. I miss the old us...before I did the stupid thing in Cable Car. I miss our heart to heart conversations. I miss making him smile, making his mood light. Seems I cant do it anymore. He's got a lot on his mind and I do too. I hope his vacay helps him unwind. And the time away from him clears my mind too. Am consumed by insecurity and jealousy. When I dont have the right to be.
I want this month to be special. It is my bday month after all. But 11 days into the month and nothing. There is one day though. The last time I was at his place. I had fun. It was relaxed, easy and comfortable. Like it was something we would always do. I liked how he held me while we were watching. How he'd kiss my head and make lambing. How I slept in his arms that night. Wish it was always like that. But perhaps there's a reason it cant. Whatever it is..I'll just wait.
I still love him to bits. But my heart's still healing from the hurt I felt the other day. That was one of the most painful things he could do - reject something I prepared for him - when I didnt know what I did for him to be so mad at me. I understand he was hurt and the tendency is to hurt me too. But I hope he knows what he did...and the trauma it caused..I really felt sorry for myself...in time the wound will heal. No apologies will be given..as it was something done out of anger. But I know a part of me wishes there would be...just as I wished I knew why he was mad at me. Seems my words are taken differently. Like there's a stigma already. If this is the result of what I have done previously...then I accept it. But it doesnt mean I would stop fighting.
Right now I'll lie low...and let my wounds heal.
I want this month to be special. It is my bday month after all. But 11 days into the month and nothing. There is one day though. The last time I was at his place. I had fun. It was relaxed, easy and comfortable. Like it was something we would always do. I liked how he held me while we were watching. How he'd kiss my head and make lambing. How I slept in his arms that night. Wish it was always like that. But perhaps there's a reason it cant. Whatever it is..I'll just wait.
I still love him to bits. But my heart's still healing from the hurt I felt the other day. That was one of the most painful things he could do - reject something I prepared for him - when I didnt know what I did for him to be so mad at me. I understand he was hurt and the tendency is to hurt me too. But I hope he knows what he did...and the trauma it caused..I really felt sorry for myself...in time the wound will heal. No apologies will be given..as it was something done out of anger. But I know a part of me wishes there would be...just as I wished I knew why he was mad at me. Seems my words are taken differently. Like there's a stigma already. If this is the result of what I have done previously...then I accept it. But it doesnt mean I would stop fighting.
Right now I'll lie low...and let my wounds heal.
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